Heels to Hairnet

How else to you dress up a Prison-Cell-Gray-Generic Polo for Halloween?

If you had asked me 5 years ago where I would be in 5 years I can assure you it wouldn't be living alone in a 2 bedroom house with three kids and two dogs with no job. Nor would I tell you I would be an unsuccessful lunch lady. Many of you have asked since you read my blog post (Annoyed) where I work since I commented that I had to go to a job I hate.  Let me give you a little history...I've worked in a law firm most of my adult life closing real estate transactions. With the exception of a few realtors I pissed off over the years everyone would probably tell you I kicked butt at my job. Last summer when my marriage had taken a major downward spiral and in an attempt to make my home life a little less stressful I decided to quit my job and take a job working for the school system with Child Nutrition which is the fancy name for lunch lady. The hours were perfect...8:00-2:30 and I would work when the kids were in school and be off when they were out of school. The money wasn't great...who am I kidding, the money sucked but since my husband and I were together it was fine because we wouldn't rely so much on my income anyway. Again, the hours were perfect. So, I take this job and the Head Lunch Lady, who I'll call Gru because she reminds me of the main dude from Despicable Me, offered me a manager position. I accepted it and started at the beginning of the school year. Another dramatic turn happened in my marriage again, my husband and I separated. My first couple of weeks was tough because of the craziness of my personal life and having to adjust to huge changes at home. Not only that but school was starting for my kids which is crazy by itself. August went sort of like this...quit my job, start training for new job, moved out of my house into my sister's house with the kids, court, school started for the kids and serving lunch to 500 middle schoolers started for me. Oh I forgot to mention that I had to be at work AT 6:00 a.m. with a 20 minute commute. Gru was kind enough to work with me on the difficulty of getting 3 kids up and out the door to be at work at 6 and said I could start coming in at 7 instead. Amazing what an hour can do!

I probably shouldn't have said I HATE it. With a few exceptions like --the three awesome ladies I got to spend my day with...One who is in her 60s that could work circles around anyone I know, one who has the kindest, sweetest spirit and another who shares my sarcastic sense of humor--I was not a fan of being a lunch lady. I also loved the kids...well, most of them. The one that sucked his teeth at me one day I wanted to ask him if he wanted to pick his teeth up off the floor but most of them are so sweet.  A kid said one day the hamburgers didn't look like beef so I told him there were some stray cats hanging out at the dumpster that morning so I "cooked 'em up". Poor kid chose pizza that day. I found myself having conversations about shoe wedgies and eye boogers. I liked that part.  The part I didn't like was when Gru or either of her Minions would show up out unexpectedly and mess up our Mo-jo. Geez, just leave well enough alone. They'd hover over us like a dag-um Harrier Jet and say things like "why are you serving biscuits instead of rolls?" well, we ran out of rolls so we are substituting. Then I'd hear how biscuits change the analysis for that day, blah, blah, blah. I want to take her to the trash can and let her take a peak in there at all the Effing biscuits that are floating around. That, my friend, is what throws off your analysis. You are feeding these kids rolls and biscuits that taste like cardboard!  Anyway, my manager status earned me a whopping .30 more per hour. So I got the pleasure of signing my name to a document every afternoon that put my arse on the line for $2.40 extra a day. So after doing it for the first half of the school year I "resigned" as manager after Christmas break. Gru and her minions decided they didn't have a worker position available for me so I was left jobless. I think it had more to do with me not kissing their hineys when they came around but oh well. Maybe I need to work on my attitude or maybe I just work better without a hairnet and heels (or flip flops) on my feet.

Disclaimer: My hairnet is off to the ladies that do that job day in and day out with little recognition and very little pay. They rock at what they do and I'm by no means downplaying it. Personally, it's not the job for me.



Let me just tell you how hot a pizza pan is straight out of a cafeteria oven. Yep, that's my arm.

I am OK

My post titled Annoyed was a hard one to write. December was a painful month for me and although it was hard it was almost like therapy for me. I don't even think the words I typed even hit the surface of what was actually going on in my mind and in my heart. The reason I bring this up is because I had a lot of people after they read it concerned about me. I am so grateful for the people in my life that take time to text or call me to see how I'm doing and to check on the kids. My normal response is "We're going to be ok" or "I'm going to be ok". I realized after saying it numerous times exactly what I was saying. I was GOING TO be ok. Not today, but one day. The truth is that I am ok-right now. I really am ok. Don't get me wrong, I have moments of complete insanity. I have moments that I want to cry and punch and kick and just scream at the top of my lungs but I AM OK.

I started writing this post in January. It's now March and I'm confident in my words I AM OK that I can share it. This past Sunday one of my closest friends kept the kids for me while I was at work. The kids went with them to our church. It's the church we have gone to since 2005 but (shamefully)over the past couple years I have neglected the most important relationship in my life. I let the hurt that someone cause my heart to interfere with my relationship with the Lord. I got mad at Him for "letting" someone that I loved more than anyone in the world hurt me. I don't know how many times I cried out WHY LORD and I still don't fully know the answer. What I do know is that I am His daughter and He isn't mad at me, hasn't been punishing me and He is the reason I AM OK...and so are my babies.

Mouse in the Tub

I went in the bathroom, pushed the curtain slightly just to turn on the shower and walked out. I told Booboo (he's 6) the water was running. He went in there like he normally does but this time came out butt naked jumped on the couch screaming over and over "THERE'S A RAT IN THE TUB!!!"

First, let me tell you that I've never lived on my own aka without a man in the house. I went from living with my parents to being married so the past few months of doing "man jobs" hasn't exactly been fun. Things like filling the water softener seem easy enough but when you drop the bag down in that machine and it gets stuck it's not fun. Or looking outside to see the wind has blown the trampoline to the neighbors sod field. Or trash...I hate dealing with trash. Oh and clogged drains that you later realize aren't clogged but the little lever was pulled up that retains the water in the tub. Ok, enough whining. I have managed and learned a few things. 

So today my naked six year old comes out screaming there's a mouse in the tub. Pardon me but WTF am I supposed to do with a mouse?!?! I've now added critters and bugs to my list of "man jobs I hate". Well, who better to get the mouse than my man-in-training? He's 10 and needs to do these things. Only MY 10 year old was just as girly about the mouse as I was. Here's a little video of the heroic rescue by his friend....and it's me that was rescued along with Fivel. 

 

 

 

Annoyed

4:45 a.m. mid-December, 2013 the horrible sound of the dreaded alarm clock is the most annoying sound on the planet. At this point everything is annoying and putting my feet on the floor to start another day is the last thing I want to do. I hit snooze once, twice then three times. That nine minutes between chimes is just what I need to be even more annoyed. My 15 year old dog prances her nails on the hard floor back and forth until I get up to take her out. Click, click, click. Back and forth. So annoying. I love her but at this moment I hate her for making me remove the warm blanket and get out of my safe place. How long before I can get back in this bed and forget the world around me?  How many times today is someone going to say "How ARE You" in their most sincere tone? How many times today am I going to be reminded by the decorations, music, lights and excitement of my kids that it's the fabulous, long awaited Holiday season when everyone is happy and families are together? How many times am I going to feel that invisible punch in my gut, that emptiness? My body aches. My head throbs. My eyes burn. My heart feels like it weighs 100 pounds and it physically hurts with every beat. How many more days until this Most Wonderful Time of the year is over?

I muster up enough energy to walk to the front door to let the dogs out. It's cold outside. Another thing to add to my annoying list. Walk in the bathroom and look at an empty shell of a person looking back at me. When did this happen? When did I develop bags under my eyes and puffy eye lids? When did I become so easily annoyed? I muster up a little more energy to shower and get dressed to go spend the next 8 hours at a job that I hate. Ungrateful. When did I become so ungrateful? When did I become this bitter, angry shell of a person? I hate her. I hate the way she feels, the way she doesn't feel, the way she looks, the way she doesn't find joy in the simple things in life that once made her want to be around people. Isolation has become her new best friend.

I turn the light on in my boys' bedroom. Their faces barely peak out from under the blanket. I stand there and stare at these two precious faces that need me. They need me to bury the annoyances of life, put on my happy face and take care of them. I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed, reach down and touch them both, tears streaming down my face. Lean over and kiss them both on the forehead. Four little brown eyes open. My six year old says "What's Wrong, Mommy". My heavy heart is gone and I say "I'm Just So Thankful To Be Your Mommy".

I Won't Let You Fall

"Mommy, don't let me fall!" she said. I responded, "Do you trust me? I'm right here. I won't let you fall." How many times in my life have I desired the same thing? I've wanted to be protected, to be vulnerable and allow someone to protect me without a doubt that I wouldn't get hurt. The reality is that I let myself ride a bike, go full blast and was not protected. My heart wasn't protected so it was broken. Now here I am thinking my daughter trusts me completely to catch her if she loses her balance on her bike that she's riding for the first time without training wheels. She's trusting that I won't let her down. It's my job now as her protector to make her realize and choose the people in her life that will do the same thing. It's my job to teach her and it's no small job.

• She is more than enough. She is pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough. She is enough. The first time someone makes her feel like she's not. Goodbye.
• She is beautiful exactly the way she is. She doesn't need to compromise her dignity in order to make someone else think she's beautiful.
•  Sometimes putting another person's needs before your own isn't a good thing. It makes me think of when you are on an airplane and the flight attendant does her spill at the beginning of the flight and says to place the oxygen mask on yourself before anyone else. As a parent that's a hard concept for me to wrap my brain around but it makes perfect sense. I can't help my kids breathe if I'm not breathing. It's that simple.
• Trust your gut. If it feels weird in your gut, then don't do it or stop doing it.
• Taking care of herself is perfectly acceptable. In my own life my motives have been questioned about why I would go to the gym, why I would run, why I got my hair done, why I painted my fingernails. The motivation in someone else's eyes was that I was trying to attract attention to myself. The actual motivation was just because I enjoyed working out and feeling and looking healthy. I will encourage my daughter to do the same.
• Do not settle. On anything. Ever. She deserves the best. I don't mean material things either although she does have an insane love for shoes at an early age. I'm talking about the way she's treated and who she surrounds herself with. She doesn't need a BFF who puts her down. There are plenty of other BFFs in the sea. She doesn't need to settle for a guy who gives her the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way regardless of whether it has to do with her or not. Silent treatment is a soul killer.

I'm sure my list will grow as she gets older and at some point in her life she'll deal with saying Don't Let Me Fall and someone letting her fall. That is life after all. In the meantime, I'll do my duty of making sure I'm not the one that does it....even if it takes running down the road in the squat position while my legs are on fire so that she doesn't scrape a knee.