Alone

Over the past several years of heartache, I've cried until I literally felt like I didn't have a tear left to shed. My body ached at times, my chest would have a constant tightness and felt like I couldn't get a deep enough breath to survive another minute. Looking back it seems extreme but when your life takes unexpected turns, some at the fault of others and certainly through fault of your own, survival mode is all you have.

I've never been alone. I never thought I'd be have to be alone. Growing up the youngest of three kids, my parents having a great marriage and always there for me, moving on to college and meeting some of the best friends of my life, then getting married young, I went from one situation to another where being alone wasn't part of the equation.

In 2013 when I found myself living alone with my kids I had to do things on my own that I had never had to do. I wasn't ready to conquer life by myself but the reality was READY OR NOT. It was my decision to live this alone lifestyle but I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that consumed me. I longed for companionship besides from someone asking me for a snack or to check their homework. I wanted someone next to me at night but not my sweet blue eyed girl (she was my roommate for 9 months!) Talking about my day, hearing about someone else's day, dreaming, kissing goodnight, mourning the sickness of my dad, crying and having someone hold me when I put my dog down. I was so busy being sad, angry and pitiful that during that period of my life I didn't notice much of the joy that was in my face. It seems as though when you hit a wall or a really low point there is nothing that can bring us joy. Loneliness and self loathing had consumed me. I didn't realize how much more lonely I was before, when my presence just didn't matter.

Fast forward a little bit and my marriage attempted to reconcile. Here is what I realized...Being physically alone and feeling lonely is so much sweeter than being with another person and feeling lonely. Let that sink in...Feeling lonely with another person in your presence is just straight up horrible. Have you ever been in the same room with someone and felt like you didn't exist? When my dad passed away after a very fast, aggressive illness, I mourned his death alone with someone sleeping next to me. I cried myself to sleep at night silently. Woke up at empty shell of a person.

I don't want to give the impression that another person is supposed to complete you. I don't believe that at all. I do, however, believe that if another person is invited into your soul that it's nothing short of sacred. When one cries, the other cries. When one laughs, the other laughs. When you mourn, you both mourn. Talk and listen. The give and take is what makes loneliness disappear. The knowing that no matter what, I'm here.

The flip side is this...what and how are you making other around you not feel alone? Are you sitting in a room with someone you claim to love and making certain that their presence matters?  I challenge you to make an effort to make your husband, wife, child, friend know that they are not alone. Our battles come from every direction and knowing we are not alone to conquer the world is just what someone might need.