Strong tears

6:00 Sunday

I drove less than five minutes with my chest tight, holding back tears. Should have let them fall. Walk in the door to find a notification “Mom I wanna come home” along with an emoji of a crying face. I can hear a pin drop in my house. She's been away from me for less than five minutes. They were here ten minutes ago. Walking, running, laughing, talking in their crazy voice to the dog. The quiet hurts. My heart aches. Sweet, happy girl that just wants to wear high heels, glitter and anything pink is crying too. I left her crying as he honked his truck horn for her to hurry up and stop hugging me. Tears filling her beautiful blue eyes and flowing down her little pink cheeks. “Mommy, please let me go with you” then ran to his truck so he wouldn't get mad.

I made a choice. I did this. I left and knew I'd have to share her. I knew it would be hard. I never knew how hard. I knew it would be my job to teach her how she should be treated. Standards that some may think are a given. They aren't. Not everyone has the ability to love us. Not everyone has the ability to respect us. Not everyone is worthy of our time, effort and energy. Not everyone is going to deposit fear in you. How honking a horn for her to hurry up when she's hurting is selfish. The hate for me is greater than the love for her. My heart breaks for her.

We'll go the next several days messaging each other. I'll go by and see her at school in the morning and sneak away from my desk and surprise her with a bag of Chick Fil A. I'll hug her tight when I leave. She'll walk a couple steps and come back for another quick squeeze. As I walk away from her I'll take a deep breath. I'll know that my choice is, in the long run, for her benefit and my boys. They'll thank me one day. Right now they'll go back and forth. They'll be like yo-yos but always knowing MY house is Home. They'll know they can come through Our door at any moment, take their shoes off, sit down, eat, sleep and relax in their safe place. Home. They'll come home.

Tears will continue to flow but laughter will outweigh our tears. She'll grow up strong because this right now is her trial. It's preparing her for more. It's preparing her to be a warrior. Solid and steadfast. She's hurting at nine years old but she's also loving. She's also learning that her mom's love for her is the greatest force she has and will know as she grows it'll never end.