Embracing the Chaos

I woke up this morning uneasy. No particular reason, nothing bad had happened to put my spirit in knot. I was alone, my eyes had not even opened yet and my mind was already reeling. Things to do, bills to pay, kid birthday coming up, driver's ed, overnight summer camp approaching, madness work, taking on Real Estate class, school starting soon...all the norm. Nothing out of the ordinary. What was my problem? I typically wake up without a thought besides how fast my Keurig will take to heat up.

Yesterday, while walking my dog I was listening to a book called "Girl, Wash Your Face". Do you ever hear a song and think the lyrics were to/for/about you, hear a sermon and think the preacher is talking directly to you, hear a Ted Talk and think the speech was written for you? Maybe that's the point of all those things but sometimes they just resonate with me more than others. This one particular chapter really felt like she was speaking directly to me. I started listening to this book over a month ago and typically I can finish one in a few days since I listen while I drive, work out, clean and grocery shop. I was annoyed with the author at first because she talked in an early chapter about her husband. I honestly can't even remember what it was exactly that she was frustrated with him about but it annoyed the shit out of me. I kept thinking this woman has no clue. That's ALL he's done, girl? In my mind it was so minute. It wasn't abusive, it wasn't betrayal, it wasn't degrading, it wasn't addiction. I was thinking this book is some cheerleader BS book to cheer up women by a woman who really had no clue about adversity, hard times, being lost, hitting rock bottom, losing everything. I was being super Judgy McJudgy Pants, I admit it.  I didn't listen to it for a few weeks then my niece text me and said she was listening to it and her writing sounded like me. Maybe that's why I was annoyed. Other than her husband not being that bad, I don't want to hear myself preach when what I was saying wasn't matching what I was feeling. (That may be a different post)

Back to this chapter that struck me. It was about peace. If you have ever read anything I've written or even had a conversation with me that's more than about kid sports, real estate or the weather then you know that peace is something I have said a bazillion times that I want. It's not happiness, it's not a million dollars (ok, maybe just a million), it's not a brand new car or a fancy house. I want to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning at peace. At peace with where I am, right here, right now. I just want peace. I've made painstaking decisions to remove that which steals my peace. Removing people and things that steal your joy, who make you wonder where you stand, who make you question your worth, who make you question your talents and gifts. What or who is it that is stealing from you? 

Don't misunderstand me though, peace is not the absence of chaos but being ok in the midst of it. My life is complete chaos. ALL. THE. TIME. Here's a small example from this morning when I got to work and I was still somewhat in a funk. I walked into the break room to fill my water bottle. As I bent down to fill it, my purse fell off my shoulder spilling out all the crap I had shoved in the side pocket, as I'm trying to catch that and I had already started pushing down the water lever my backside hit the paper on the table next to me and the paper on the table fell on the floor too. This is really not a big deal but I wanted to put my fist through that water jug. Maybe I should have opted for more coffee.  Instead, I took a deep breath, sat the water bottle down and picked up the huge mess I made on the floor. I can blame my kids on chaos all day long but honestly it's mostly my fault. If I'm running late it's because I didn't plan ahead, if my schedule is tight it's because I put too much on it without enough time in between.  Kids add to it, yes. Having a kid need to poop as you're walking out the door is not your fault.  It happens. Take a deep breath. Her point of the chapter was not about searching for peace so much but about embracing the chaos. When you show up late, say "thank you for waiting on me". When you show up with your hair a mess, say "thank you for not caring that I didn't fix my hair". 

So why did I wake up this morning unsettled? I'm not embracing my chaos. I'm swimming upstream thinking that I'm the only one that can manage the current. What a lie! The current isn't going anywhere. Work, kids, housework, laundry, kid activities, gym, class, bills. They are here to stay. We all get the same 24 hours in a day. Where are priorities lie and where our thoughts go are where the peace happens.