Hamster vs. Mom

Have you ever watched a hamster spinning in one of those toy wheels? They apparently need the exercise. They need to get their energy out. They need that motion, that stimulation. Every once in a while their foot slips and they go tumbling down. They get back on the wheel and go at it full blast. I am that hamster. I spin and spin and the chaos, the nonstop energy sucking machine called life just keeps going. My feet slip, I fall down. Sometimes I even hit the water bowl and feel like I'm drowning in it. It even feels like I'm spinning so fast at times that the wheel is going to come completely off and go flying.  Just like the hamster I get back on and keep going because chaos is my comfort zone.

Have you ever noticed how well hamsters seem to rest when they curl up in a ball, safe in their little cedar chip home? How they don't move for hours, recharge to the point where you may even shake the cage to make sure you don't need to find the nearest shoe box casket? That is their "me time". We need that rest. We need to recharge. We need to not feel guilty about doing whatever we need to do in order to refresh ourselves. It may be sleeping in on Saturday morning, it may be a good workout at the gym, it may be running 10 miles, it may be sitting on the couch crocheting a blanket or learning to dance. As moms, we revolve our lives around our children. We should, don't get me wrong but we are also people. They are only little once. I get it. But we also only live once. Spend time with our kids, go to their games, snuggle them, stare at them nonstop while they are in your arms. We can't forget who we are though. Our identity can be more than mom. It is healthy to be more. It is healthy for you and it's healthy for kids to see you as more than their taxi driver, chef, maid, laundry service and tutor.

Mom guilt is one of the worst parts of motherhood. We do it to ourselves. We think doing something for ourselves is selfish and may even be told we are selfish for spending time doing something that doesn't revolve around a child or a man. Taking care of ourselves should be put on the back burner because everyone else is in the front of the line. I struggle with this too. Do I need to sit at practice or do I go for a run? Do I buy those shoes or do one of the kids need a pair? Do I eat all the cookie dough when they go to bed or leave some for them? Do I stay in a crappy marriage for the kids sake or do I leave a crappy marriage for the kids sake? Either way we go, mom guilt rears it's ugly head.

I never thought about it until now how much I identify with hamsters.  They thrive on chaos but then they rest and I bet you anything they don't feel a bit of guilt about it. That's where we may differ a little. I'll keep spinning my wheels, being a taxi driver and chef and tutor. I'll inevitably fall off the wheel and suck some days. I'll also be me. A person. A friend. A wanna-be runner, a wanna-be dancer. I'll get my hair done and my brows waxed. I'll be lazy on the couch and read books and spend time trying the newest brew at the local brewery because WHY NOT. It's what I like. It's what I enjoy. I am a mom but I am also me. Carve out time. YOU are worth it.

Strong tears

6:00 Sunday

I drove less than five minutes with my chest tight, holding back tears. Should have let them fall. Walk in the door to find a notification “Mom I wanna come home” along with an emoji of a crying face. I can hear a pin drop in my house. She's been away from me for less than five minutes. They were here ten minutes ago. Walking, running, laughing, talking in their crazy voice to the dog. The quiet hurts. My heart aches. Sweet, happy girl that just wants to wear high heels, glitter and anything pink is crying too. I left her crying as he honked his truck horn for her to hurry up and stop hugging me. Tears filling her beautiful blue eyes and flowing down her little pink cheeks. “Mommy, please let me go with you” then ran to his truck so he wouldn't get mad.

I made a choice. I did this. I left and knew I'd have to share her. I knew it would be hard. I never knew how hard. I knew it would be my job to teach her how she should be treated. Standards that some may think are a given. They aren't. Not everyone has the ability to love us. Not everyone has the ability to respect us. Not everyone is worthy of our time, effort and energy. Not everyone is going to deposit fear in you. How honking a horn for her to hurry up when she's hurting is selfish. The hate for me is greater than the love for her. My heart breaks for her.

We'll go the next several days messaging each other. I'll go by and see her at school in the morning and sneak away from my desk and surprise her with a bag of Chick Fil A. I'll hug her tight when I leave. She'll walk a couple steps and come back for another quick squeeze. As I walk away from her I'll take a deep breath. I'll know that my choice is, in the long run, for her benefit and my boys. They'll thank me one day. Right now they'll go back and forth. They'll be like yo-yos but always knowing MY house is Home. They'll know they can come through Our door at any moment, take their shoes off, sit down, eat, sleep and relax in their safe place. Home. They'll come home.

Tears will continue to flow but laughter will outweigh our tears. She'll grow up strong because this right now is her trial. It's preparing her for more. It's preparing her to be a warrior. Solid and steadfast. She's hurting at nine years old but she's also loving. She's also learning that her mom's love for her is the greatest force she has and will know as she grows it'll never end.