I am OK

My post titled Annoyed was a hard one to write. December was a painful month for me and although it was hard it was almost like therapy for me. I don't even think the words I typed even hit the surface of what was actually going on in my mind and in my heart. The reason I bring this up is because I had a lot of people after they read it concerned about me. I am so grateful for the people in my life that take time to text or call me to see how I'm doing and to check on the kids. My normal response is "We're going to be ok" or "I'm going to be ok". I realized after saying it numerous times exactly what I was saying. I was GOING TO be ok. Not today, but one day. The truth is that I am ok-right now. I really am ok. Don't get me wrong, I have moments of complete insanity. I have moments that I want to cry and punch and kick and just scream at the top of my lungs but I AM OK.

I started writing this post in January. It's now March and I'm confident in my words I AM OK that I can share it. This past Sunday one of my closest friends kept the kids for me while I was at work. The kids went with them to our church. It's the church we have gone to since 2005 but (shamefully)over the past couple years I have neglected the most important relationship in my life. I let the hurt that someone cause my heart to interfere with my relationship with the Lord. I got mad at Him for "letting" someone that I loved more than anyone in the world hurt me. I don't know how many times I cried out WHY LORD and I still don't fully know the answer. What I do know is that I am His daughter and He isn't mad at me, hasn't been punishing me and He is the reason I AM OK...and so are my babies.

Mouse in the Tub

I went in the bathroom, pushed the curtain slightly just to turn on the shower and walked out. I told Booboo (he's 6) the water was running. He went in there like he normally does but this time came out butt naked jumped on the couch screaming over and over "THERE'S A RAT IN THE TUB!!!"

First, let me tell you that I've never lived on my own aka without a man in the house. I went from living with my parents to being married so the past few months of doing "man jobs" hasn't exactly been fun. Things like filling the water softener seem easy enough but when you drop the bag down in that machine and it gets stuck it's not fun. Or looking outside to see the wind has blown the trampoline to the neighbors sod field. Or trash...I hate dealing with trash. Oh and clogged drains that you later realize aren't clogged but the little lever was pulled up that retains the water in the tub. Ok, enough whining. I have managed and learned a few things. 

So today my naked six year old comes out screaming there's a mouse in the tub. Pardon me but WTF am I supposed to do with a mouse?!?! I've now added critters and bugs to my list of "man jobs I hate". Well, who better to get the mouse than my man-in-training? He's 10 and needs to do these things. Only MY 10 year old was just as girly about the mouse as I was. Here's a little video of the heroic rescue by his friend....and it's me that was rescued along with Fivel. 

 

 

 

Annoyed

4:45 a.m. mid-December, 2013 the horrible sound of the dreaded alarm clock is the most annoying sound on the planet. At this point everything is annoying and putting my feet on the floor to start another day is the last thing I want to do. I hit snooze once, twice then three times. That nine minutes between chimes is just what I need to be even more annoyed. My 15 year old dog prances her nails on the hard floor back and forth until I get up to take her out. Click, click, click. Back and forth. So annoying. I love her but at this moment I hate her for making me remove the warm blanket and get out of my safe place. How long before I can get back in this bed and forget the world around me?  How many times today is someone going to say "How ARE You" in their most sincere tone? How many times today am I going to be reminded by the decorations, music, lights and excitement of my kids that it's the fabulous, long awaited Holiday season when everyone is happy and families are together? How many times am I going to feel that invisible punch in my gut, that emptiness? My body aches. My head throbs. My eyes burn. My heart feels like it weighs 100 pounds and it physically hurts with every beat. How many more days until this Most Wonderful Time of the year is over?

I muster up enough energy to walk to the front door to let the dogs out. It's cold outside. Another thing to add to my annoying list. Walk in the bathroom and look at an empty shell of a person looking back at me. When did this happen? When did I develop bags under my eyes and puffy eye lids? When did I become so easily annoyed? I muster up a little more energy to shower and get dressed to go spend the next 8 hours at a job that I hate. Ungrateful. When did I become so ungrateful? When did I become this bitter, angry shell of a person? I hate her. I hate the way she feels, the way she doesn't feel, the way she looks, the way she doesn't find joy in the simple things in life that once made her want to be around people. Isolation has become her new best friend.

I turn the light on in my boys' bedroom. Their faces barely peak out from under the blanket. I stand there and stare at these two precious faces that need me. They need me to bury the annoyances of life, put on my happy face and take care of them. I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed, reach down and touch them both, tears streaming down my face. Lean over and kiss them both on the forehead. Four little brown eyes open. My six year old says "What's Wrong, Mommy". My heavy heart is gone and I say "I'm Just So Thankful To Be Your Mommy".

I Won't Let You Fall

"Mommy, don't let me fall!" she said. I responded, "Do you trust me? I'm right here. I won't let you fall." How many times in my life have I desired the same thing? I've wanted to be protected, to be vulnerable and allow someone to protect me without a doubt that I wouldn't get hurt. The reality is that I let myself ride a bike, go full blast and was not protected. My heart wasn't protected so it was broken. Now here I am thinking my daughter trusts me completely to catch her if she loses her balance on her bike that she's riding for the first time without training wheels. She's trusting that I won't let her down. It's my job now as her protector to make her realize and choose the people in her life that will do the same thing. It's my job to teach her and it's no small job.

• She is more than enough. She is pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough. She is enough. The first time someone makes her feel like she's not. Goodbye.
• She is beautiful exactly the way she is. She doesn't need to compromise her dignity in order to make someone else think she's beautiful.
•  Sometimes putting another person's needs before your own isn't a good thing. It makes me think of when you are on an airplane and the flight attendant does her spill at the beginning of the flight and says to place the oxygen mask on yourself before anyone else. As a parent that's a hard concept for me to wrap my brain around but it makes perfect sense. I can't help my kids breathe if I'm not breathing. It's that simple.
• Trust your gut. If it feels weird in your gut, then don't do it or stop doing it.
• Taking care of herself is perfectly acceptable. In my own life my motives have been questioned about why I would go to the gym, why I would run, why I got my hair done, why I painted my fingernails. The motivation in someone else's eyes was that I was trying to attract attention to myself. The actual motivation was just because I enjoyed working out and feeling and looking healthy. I will encourage my daughter to do the same.
• Do not settle. On anything. Ever. She deserves the best. I don't mean material things either although she does have an insane love for shoes at an early age. I'm talking about the way she's treated and who she surrounds herself with. She doesn't need a BFF who puts her down. There are plenty of other BFFs in the sea. She doesn't need to settle for a guy who gives her the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way regardless of whether it has to do with her or not. Silent treatment is a soul killer.

I'm sure my list will grow as she gets older and at some point in her life she'll deal with saying Don't Let Me Fall and someone letting her fall. That is life after all. In the meantime, I'll do my duty of making sure I'm not the one that does it....even if it takes running down the road in the squat position while my legs are on fire so that she doesn't scrape a knee.

Love

I've heard the question What Is Love so many times. Scripture says that God is Love and goes on to say that love is patient, kind, doesn't keep score and love perseveres. So the definition itself is easy. My question though is What Does Love Look Like?  I'm a mom so I found out on July 13,2003 the moment I laid my eyes on that cone head bluish colored non-screaming baby boy that I was deeply, madly in love. I knew that moment that my every breath after that would be for him. My heart became a little more full of love when I gave birth to a 9 pounder with no epidural and then again when my sweet love bug entered the world. My question What Does Love Look Like isn't about that cone head baby. It's about the kind you choose to give. I believe that loving our children isn't a choice. You just do. Period. No question.

To love another person that you open your unchained heart to is another story. That is a choice. But then what do you do with it? Do you selflessly walk this earth with your heart wide open? Do you allow another person to get so close to your inner most places that you are afraid or is it a comfortable place to be? Does the risk outweigh the reward? What I mean is does the risk of choosing to love and letting yourself be completely vulnerable to someone who can rip your  heart to shreds outweigh the chance of waking up every morning knowing that you are giving that piece of yourself to someone completely that's going to totally nurture it?  In return, do you nurture theirs in the same way? Are you that person's biggest fan, loudest cheerleader, encourager, shoulder, comforter? Are you their safe place?

If you are telling someone you love them I would like to encourage you to be sure that you not just say it. What are you doing to make her feel like a million bucks when she feels like an ugly ole copper penny? What are you doing that evening when he has a rough day at work? Nagging? Complaining? Or do you even know how his day was? Did you ask? 

My current status obviously shows that I didn't always practice what I'm preaching. It wasn't for lack of trying because Lord knows I did...over and over again, I tried. 

My hope is that my current status doesn't become someone else's just because the choice to love wasn't there. Loving the unlovable is never easy but it is a choice and it does persevere if you let it.