Alone

Over the past several years of heartache, I've cried until I literally felt like I didn't have a tear left to shed. My body ached at times, my chest would have a constant tightness and felt like I couldn't get a deep enough breath to survive another minute. Looking back it seems extreme but when your life takes unexpected turns, some at the fault of others and certainly through fault of your own, survival mode is all you have.

I've never been alone. I never thought I'd be have to be alone. Growing up the youngest of three kids, my parents having a great marriage and always there for me, moving on to college and meeting some of the best friends of my life, then getting married young, I went from one situation to another where being alone wasn't part of the equation.

In 2013 when I found myself living alone with my kids I had to do things on my own that I had never had to do. I wasn't ready to conquer life by myself but the reality was READY OR NOT. It was my decision to live this alone lifestyle but I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that consumed me. I longed for companionship besides from someone asking me for a snack or to check their homework. I wanted someone next to me at night but not my sweet blue eyed girl (she was my roommate for 9 months!) Talking about my day, hearing about someone else's day, dreaming, kissing goodnight, mourning the sickness of my dad, crying and having someone hold me when I put my dog down. I was so busy being sad, angry and pitiful that during that period of my life I didn't notice much of the joy that was in my face. It seems as though when you hit a wall or a really low point there is nothing that can bring us joy. Loneliness and self loathing had consumed me. I didn't realize how much more lonely I was before, when my presence just didn't matter.

Fast forward a little bit and my marriage attempted to reconcile. Here is what I realized...Being physically alone and feeling lonely is so much sweeter than being with another person and feeling lonely. Let that sink in...Feeling lonely with another person in your presence is just straight up horrible. Have you ever been in the same room with someone and felt like you didn't exist? When my dad passed away after a very fast, aggressive illness, I mourned his death alone with someone sleeping next to me. I cried myself to sleep at night silently. Woke up at empty shell of a person.

I don't want to give the impression that another person is supposed to complete you. I don't believe that at all. I do, however, believe that if another person is invited into your soul that it's nothing short of sacred. When one cries, the other cries. When one laughs, the other laughs. When you mourn, you both mourn. Talk and listen. The give and take is what makes loneliness disappear. The knowing that no matter what, I'm here.

The flip side is this...what and how are you making other around you not feel alone? Are you sitting in a room with someone you claim to love and making certain that their presence matters?  I challenge you to make an effort to make your husband, wife, child, friend know that they are not alone. Our battles come from every direction and knowing we are not alone to conquer the world is just what someone might need.

Heels to Hairnet

How else to you dress up a Prison-Cell-Gray-Generic Polo for Halloween?

If you had asked me 5 years ago where I would be in 5 years I can assure you it wouldn't be living alone in a 2 bedroom house with three kids and two dogs with no job. Nor would I tell you I would be an unsuccessful lunch lady. Many of you have asked since you read my blog post (Annoyed) where I work since I commented that I had to go to a job I hate.  Let me give you a little history...I've worked in a law firm most of my adult life closing real estate transactions. With the exception of a few realtors I pissed off over the years everyone would probably tell you I kicked butt at my job. Last summer when my marriage had taken a major downward spiral and in an attempt to make my home life a little less stressful I decided to quit my job and take a job working for the school system with Child Nutrition which is the fancy name for lunch lady. The hours were perfect...8:00-2:30 and I would work when the kids were in school and be off when they were out of school. The money wasn't great...who am I kidding, the money sucked but since my husband and I were together it was fine because we wouldn't rely so much on my income anyway. Again, the hours were perfect. So, I take this job and the Head Lunch Lady, who I'll call Gru because she reminds me of the main dude from Despicable Me, offered me a manager position. I accepted it and started at the beginning of the school year. Another dramatic turn happened in my marriage again, my husband and I separated. My first couple of weeks was tough because of the craziness of my personal life and having to adjust to huge changes at home. Not only that but school was starting for my kids which is crazy by itself. August went sort of like this...quit my job, start training for new job, moved out of my house into my sister's house with the kids, court, school started for the kids and serving lunch to 500 middle schoolers started for me. Oh I forgot to mention that I had to be at work AT 6:00 a.m. with a 20 minute commute. Gru was kind enough to work with me on the difficulty of getting 3 kids up and out the door to be at work at 6 and said I could start coming in at 7 instead. Amazing what an hour can do!

I probably shouldn't have said I HATE it. With a few exceptions like --the three awesome ladies I got to spend my day with...One who is in her 60s that could work circles around anyone I know, one who has the kindest, sweetest spirit and another who shares my sarcastic sense of humor--I was not a fan of being a lunch lady. I also loved the kids...well, most of them. The one that sucked his teeth at me one day I wanted to ask him if he wanted to pick his teeth up off the floor but most of them are so sweet.  A kid said one day the hamburgers didn't look like beef so I told him there were some stray cats hanging out at the dumpster that morning so I "cooked 'em up". Poor kid chose pizza that day. I found myself having conversations about shoe wedgies and eye boogers. I liked that part.  The part I didn't like was when Gru or either of her Minions would show up out unexpectedly and mess up our Mo-jo. Geez, just leave well enough alone. They'd hover over us like a dag-um Harrier Jet and say things like "why are you serving biscuits instead of rolls?" well, we ran out of rolls so we are substituting. Then I'd hear how biscuits change the analysis for that day, blah, blah, blah. I want to take her to the trash can and let her take a peak in there at all the Effing biscuits that are floating around. That, my friend, is what throws off your analysis. You are feeding these kids rolls and biscuits that taste like cardboard!  Anyway, my manager status earned me a whopping .30 more per hour. So I got the pleasure of signing my name to a document every afternoon that put my arse on the line for $2.40 extra a day. So after doing it for the first half of the school year I "resigned" as manager after Christmas break. Gru and her minions decided they didn't have a worker position available for me so I was left jobless. I think it had more to do with me not kissing their hineys when they came around but oh well. Maybe I need to work on my attitude or maybe I just work better without a hairnet and heels (or flip flops) on my feet.

Disclaimer: My hairnet is off to the ladies that do that job day in and day out with little recognition and very little pay. They rock at what they do and I'm by no means downplaying it. Personally, it's not the job for me.



Let me just tell you how hot a pizza pan is straight out of a cafeteria oven. Yep, that's my arm.

I am OK

My post titled Annoyed was a hard one to write. December was a painful month for me and although it was hard it was almost like therapy for me. I don't even think the words I typed even hit the surface of what was actually going on in my mind and in my heart. The reason I bring this up is because I had a lot of people after they read it concerned about me. I am so grateful for the people in my life that take time to text or call me to see how I'm doing and to check on the kids. My normal response is "We're going to be ok" or "I'm going to be ok". I realized after saying it numerous times exactly what I was saying. I was GOING TO be ok. Not today, but one day. The truth is that I am ok-right now. I really am ok. Don't get me wrong, I have moments of complete insanity. I have moments that I want to cry and punch and kick and just scream at the top of my lungs but I AM OK.

I started writing this post in January. It's now March and I'm confident in my words I AM OK that I can share it. This past Sunday one of my closest friends kept the kids for me while I was at work. The kids went with them to our church. It's the church we have gone to since 2005 but (shamefully)over the past couple years I have neglected the most important relationship in my life. I let the hurt that someone cause my heart to interfere with my relationship with the Lord. I got mad at Him for "letting" someone that I loved more than anyone in the world hurt me. I don't know how many times I cried out WHY LORD and I still don't fully know the answer. What I do know is that I am His daughter and He isn't mad at me, hasn't been punishing me and He is the reason I AM OK...and so are my babies.

Mouse in the Tub

I went in the bathroom, pushed the curtain slightly just to turn on the shower and walked out. I told Booboo (he's 6) the water was running. He went in there like he normally does but this time came out butt naked jumped on the couch screaming over and over "THERE'S A RAT IN THE TUB!!!"

First, let me tell you that I've never lived on my own aka without a man in the house. I went from living with my parents to being married so the past few months of doing "man jobs" hasn't exactly been fun. Things like filling the water softener seem easy enough but when you drop the bag down in that machine and it gets stuck it's not fun. Or looking outside to see the wind has blown the trampoline to the neighbors sod field. Or trash...I hate dealing with trash. Oh and clogged drains that you later realize aren't clogged but the little lever was pulled up that retains the water in the tub. Ok, enough whining. I have managed and learned a few things. 

So today my naked six year old comes out screaming there's a mouse in the tub. Pardon me but WTF am I supposed to do with a mouse?!?! I've now added critters and bugs to my list of "man jobs I hate". Well, who better to get the mouse than my man-in-training? He's 10 and needs to do these things. Only MY 10 year old was just as girly about the mouse as I was. Here's a little video of the heroic rescue by his friend....and it's me that was rescued along with Fivel. 

 

 

 

Annoyed

4:45 a.m. mid-December, 2013 the horrible sound of the dreaded alarm clock is the most annoying sound on the planet. At this point everything is annoying and putting my feet on the floor to start another day is the last thing I want to do. I hit snooze once, twice then three times. That nine minutes between chimes is just what I need to be even more annoyed. My 15 year old dog prances her nails on the hard floor back and forth until I get up to take her out. Click, click, click. Back and forth. So annoying. I love her but at this moment I hate her for making me remove the warm blanket and get out of my safe place. How long before I can get back in this bed and forget the world around me?  How many times today is someone going to say "How ARE You" in their most sincere tone? How many times today am I going to be reminded by the decorations, music, lights and excitement of my kids that it's the fabulous, long awaited Holiday season when everyone is happy and families are together? How many times am I going to feel that invisible punch in my gut, that emptiness? My body aches. My head throbs. My eyes burn. My heart feels like it weighs 100 pounds and it physically hurts with every beat. How many more days until this Most Wonderful Time of the year is over?

I muster up enough energy to walk to the front door to let the dogs out. It's cold outside. Another thing to add to my annoying list. Walk in the bathroom and look at an empty shell of a person looking back at me. When did this happen? When did I develop bags under my eyes and puffy eye lids? When did I become so easily annoyed? I muster up a little more energy to shower and get dressed to go spend the next 8 hours at a job that I hate. Ungrateful. When did I become so ungrateful? When did I become this bitter, angry shell of a person? I hate her. I hate the way she feels, the way she doesn't feel, the way she looks, the way she doesn't find joy in the simple things in life that once made her want to be around people. Isolation has become her new best friend.

I turn the light on in my boys' bedroom. Their faces barely peak out from under the blanket. I stand there and stare at these two precious faces that need me. They need me to bury the annoyances of life, put on my happy face and take care of them. I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed, reach down and touch them both, tears streaming down my face. Lean over and kiss them both on the forehead. Four little brown eyes open. My six year old says "What's Wrong, Mommy". My heavy heart is gone and I say "I'm Just So Thankful To Be Your Mommy".