Grace and Angels

Maybe it's just me but when I feel like I'm losing faith in humanity something happens to remind me that there are really good people in this world. People that will do for others without expecting a thing in return. No tit-for-tat. Just because.

I woke up Tuesday morning early and I'm not a morning person but when the opportunity arises that I can watch the sun come up over the horizon I take it. I woke up to the sound of the waves, perfect mid-50s temperatures and the most beautiful hand painted by our Creator sky you've ever seen. Pink and blue and gray with wispy clouds throughout.  Maybe because quiet isn't something I'm used to but I sat there and took it all in. There were a few people walking already probably with the same idea that I had, just to breathe in the salt air and marvel. 

I had moments of pure gratitude and honestly, a few moments of frustration. Who could possibly be sitting on an ocean front balcony watching the most beautiful sunrise and be frustrated? Well, for a few minutes I found myself asking why. God, why am I here? Why am I alone? Why am I starting my life over again at 40? Why am I just now learning about who I really am? Why has it taken so long for me to have peace? Why was I hurt? Why weren't You there when I begged, pleaded and still my heart was broken in a million pieces? Where were You?  See, God can handle that stuff. He can handle the blame and the "whys" and here I was in my mind dishing it out. 

The short of it is this...He was there and He is still here. On that balcony as I questioned Him. He's like "Girl, you are somewhat of a slow learner with matters of the heart but you got this. Your heart is healed and it's ready to conquer more but it'll be good next time. Trust me".  I was the clay and He was the potter. I needed to be molded and in order for me to develop into something where I knew I was worthy I had to crumble off the little spinny table a few times. A lot more than a few. A few times other potters came along and pretty much just smashed me into the ground and I had to be rebuilt. Now, I have not been completely rebuilt but I can assure you that I am much stronger, steadier, more grateful than ever and can withhold a lot more pressure than I once could. 

I wonder if that quiet morning was preparing me for a day of insanity with a flat tire over an hour away from home. I was sent a few angels that day disguised as a sweet couple just out looking for furniture, an old Army vet, a auto parts guy and an auto mechanic and his wife that apparently put on one heck of a Christmas lights show in their town. I was reminded after spending three hours with my daughter and dog stranded with a messed up tire these angels could have easily been crappy people that could have done a lot more harm that break off two of my lug-nuts in an attempt to change my




tire. I got home that night after driving home on a patched tire and the auto mechanic sent me a message (we had "liked" their Christmas lights facebook page so that's how they found me) to make sure my daughter and I had made it home safe. What an angel you are, Mr. Mechanic. Thank you for reminding me of the good in the world. 

Even Ryder loves a good sunrise! 

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Friends

I've been thinking a lot lately about friends. I don't know how many times I've heard females say that they have more male friends than female because guys don't come with as much drama. While I can see where that could be the case I hate that we have this reputation of being full of drama and pettiness. Having been around for a few years and had a lot of girlfriends I can somewhat attest to this BUT I wouldn't ever even consider giving the entire female population this stereotype.

I had a sleepover for my daughter's 9th birthday a few weeks ago. Not going to lie, I almost dreaded the idea because from prior experience there was a lot of feelings involved, whining, tattling and just silliness that I couldn't handle without instinctively my rolling my eyes and I'm not very sympathetic towards. So, right off the bat I was stereotyping my daughter's friends. Shame on me. As they started showing up they were all excited about what our night was going to be like and to my surprise with each girl that got there the excitement was contagious. Surprisingly, I had a house full of 9 year old girls and not a single issue. I began to think about this more and more and wondered why other than it seems inevitable when you put a group of kids together that there will be some sort of problem but especially GIRLS!  What I heard that night instead was "Sing it, GUUURRRRL!" as they squealed in the karaoke machine. I heard "I'm so happy you are here" and "I love your pajamas" and "I don't want this day to end". My daughter told me it had been one of the best days of her life. SCORE! As she grows up I hope she will make quality friends over a quantity of friends.

In talking to some of my own friends over the past several months when my tribe has been my sanity I've come to some conclusions about the type of women I want in my life, the ones that will influence not only me but my kids too. Here's what I came up with...

1. Don't be an itchy friend. Here's what I mean in the nicest way possible. Remember when you were a kid and sometimes there was a tag in your pants sort of itched your rear end? You'd go home and have your mom cut the tag but there were the edges that still poked and itched your back. That tag owns you. You are a prisoner to the tag because when you walk it's there, when you sit it's there. Well, being a friend that is an itchy tag isn't cool. Let people be who they are without being itchy. You can make your presence known without being an itch. Be a laid back screen printed tag, not an itchy tag. ok?

2. We all get busy. Kids, work, school, sports, homework, housework, new episodes of This Is Us. These are all priorities. BUT in order to be a good mom, wife, employee, bad ass woman we have to make time for ourselves which also translates into spending time with our quality friends. It doesn't need to be a weekly thing although if you can do it, do it! Even if it's just monthly, a quick lunch, cup of coffee or whatever, make time! In the meantime, if you don't get a text from me for days or weeks, it's nothing personal, we'll catch up later!

3. This ties in a little with #2 but for real, don't wait for someone else to create the party and be invited! YOU create the event (as if there needs to be a reason to celebrate!) and invite your girls! And guess what, if nobody shows up at the Mexican Restaurant at the time you choose, that's ok!!! Life must have happened, someone had a sick kid or practice and you can sit there at the bar or booth of that Mexican Restaurant and eat every last chip and lick the queso bowl if you wish. You can even drink the entire Monster Margarita and Uber yourself a ride home. Sometimes, your own self the the best friend you have!

4. Greet your friends like my 9 year old and her friends did when it's party night! If you walk in the door like you're going to a funeral, pretty sure your energy is going to spread like a bad case of the Creepy Crawlies at the Lollipops nightclub by the main gate of the base. That's all I have to say about that.

5. Ask yourself if the people you are surrounding yourself with challenge you to be better. Do they encourage your dreams? Do you tell them your latest shenanigan and roll their eyes or do they laugh and encourage more shenanigans?  Can you even talk about your dreams and mischief with them without feeling like you're talking to Judgey McJudgey Pants? When you get a little too far in your questionable decisions do they set you straight and love you through it?  These are the people I want in my life. These are the people I have in my life. Ahhh, grateful doesn't describe it.

Quality over quantity. Acceptance over judgment. Love over disagreements.

Alone

Over the past several years of heartache, I've cried until I literally felt like I didn't have a tear left to shed. My body ached at times, my chest would have a constant tightness and felt like I couldn't get a deep enough breath to survive another minute. Looking back it seems extreme but when your life takes unexpected turns, some at the fault of others and certainly through fault of your own, survival mode is all you have.

I've never been alone. I never thought I'd be have to be alone. Growing up the youngest of three kids, my parents having a great marriage and always there for me, moving on to college and meeting some of the best friends of my life, then getting married young, I went from one situation to another where being alone wasn't part of the equation.

In 2013 when I found myself living alone with my kids I had to do things on my own that I had never had to do. I wasn't ready to conquer life by myself but the reality was READY OR NOT. It was my decision to live this alone lifestyle but I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that consumed me. I longed for companionship besides from someone asking me for a snack or to check their homework. I wanted someone next to me at night but not my sweet blue eyed girl (she was my roommate for 9 months!) Talking about my day, hearing about someone else's day, dreaming, kissing goodnight, mourning the sickness of my dad, crying and having someone hold me when I put my dog down. I was so busy being sad, angry and pitiful that during that period of my life I didn't notice much of the joy that was in my face. It seems as though when you hit a wall or a really low point there is nothing that can bring us joy. Loneliness and self loathing had consumed me. I didn't realize how much more lonely I was before, when my presence just didn't matter.

Fast forward a little bit and my marriage attempted to reconcile. Here is what I realized...Being physically alone and feeling lonely is so much sweeter than being with another person and feeling lonely. Let that sink in...Feeling lonely with another person in your presence is just straight up horrible. Have you ever been in the same room with someone and felt like you didn't exist? When my dad passed away after a very fast, aggressive illness, I mourned his death alone with someone sleeping next to me. I cried myself to sleep at night silently. Woke up at empty shell of a person.

I don't want to give the impression that another person is supposed to complete you. I don't believe that at all. I do, however, believe that if another person is invited into your soul that it's nothing short of sacred. When one cries, the other cries. When one laughs, the other laughs. When you mourn, you both mourn. Talk and listen. The give and take is what makes loneliness disappear. The knowing that no matter what, I'm here.

The flip side is this...what and how are you making other around you not feel alone? Are you sitting in a room with someone you claim to love and making certain that their presence matters?  I challenge you to make an effort to make your husband, wife, child, friend know that they are not alone. Our battles come from every direction and knowing we are not alone to conquer the world is just what someone might need.

Heels to Hairnet

How else to you dress up a Prison-Cell-Gray-Generic Polo for Halloween?

If you had asked me 5 years ago where I would be in 5 years I can assure you it wouldn't be living alone in a 2 bedroom house with three kids and two dogs with no job. Nor would I tell you I would be an unsuccessful lunch lady. Many of you have asked since you read my blog post (Annoyed) where I work since I commented that I had to go to a job I hate.  Let me give you a little history...I've worked in a law firm most of my adult life closing real estate transactions. With the exception of a few realtors I pissed off over the years everyone would probably tell you I kicked butt at my job. Last summer when my marriage had taken a major downward spiral and in an attempt to make my home life a little less stressful I decided to quit my job and take a job working for the school system with Child Nutrition which is the fancy name for lunch lady. The hours were perfect...8:00-2:30 and I would work when the kids were in school and be off when they were out of school. The money wasn't great...who am I kidding, the money sucked but since my husband and I were together it was fine because we wouldn't rely so much on my income anyway. Again, the hours were perfect. So, I take this job and the Head Lunch Lady, who I'll call Gru because she reminds me of the main dude from Despicable Me, offered me a manager position. I accepted it and started at the beginning of the school year. Another dramatic turn happened in my marriage again, my husband and I separated. My first couple of weeks was tough because of the craziness of my personal life and having to adjust to huge changes at home. Not only that but school was starting for my kids which is crazy by itself. August went sort of like this...quit my job, start training for new job, moved out of my house into my sister's house with the kids, court, school started for the kids and serving lunch to 500 middle schoolers started for me. Oh I forgot to mention that I had to be at work AT 6:00 a.m. with a 20 minute commute. Gru was kind enough to work with me on the difficulty of getting 3 kids up and out the door to be at work at 6 and said I could start coming in at 7 instead. Amazing what an hour can do!

I probably shouldn't have said I HATE it. With a few exceptions like --the three awesome ladies I got to spend my day with...One who is in her 60s that could work circles around anyone I know, one who has the kindest, sweetest spirit and another who shares my sarcastic sense of humor--I was not a fan of being a lunch lady. I also loved the kids...well, most of them. The one that sucked his teeth at me one day I wanted to ask him if he wanted to pick his teeth up off the floor but most of them are so sweet.  A kid said one day the hamburgers didn't look like beef so I told him there were some stray cats hanging out at the dumpster that morning so I "cooked 'em up". Poor kid chose pizza that day. I found myself having conversations about shoe wedgies and eye boogers. I liked that part.  The part I didn't like was when Gru or either of her Minions would show up out unexpectedly and mess up our Mo-jo. Geez, just leave well enough alone. They'd hover over us like a dag-um Harrier Jet and say things like "why are you serving biscuits instead of rolls?" well, we ran out of rolls so we are substituting. Then I'd hear how biscuits change the analysis for that day, blah, blah, blah. I want to take her to the trash can and let her take a peak in there at all the Effing biscuits that are floating around. That, my friend, is what throws off your analysis. You are feeding these kids rolls and biscuits that taste like cardboard!  Anyway, my manager status earned me a whopping .30 more per hour. So I got the pleasure of signing my name to a document every afternoon that put my arse on the line for $2.40 extra a day. So after doing it for the first half of the school year I "resigned" as manager after Christmas break. Gru and her minions decided they didn't have a worker position available for me so I was left jobless. I think it had more to do with me not kissing their hineys when they came around but oh well. Maybe I need to work on my attitude or maybe I just work better without a hairnet and heels (or flip flops) on my feet.

Disclaimer: My hairnet is off to the ladies that do that job day in and day out with little recognition and very little pay. They rock at what they do and I'm by no means downplaying it. Personally, it's not the job for me.



Let me just tell you how hot a pizza pan is straight out of a cafeteria oven. Yep, that's my arm.

I am OK

My post titled Annoyed was a hard one to write. December was a painful month for me and although it was hard it was almost like therapy for me. I don't even think the words I typed even hit the surface of what was actually going on in my mind and in my heart. The reason I bring this up is because I had a lot of people after they read it concerned about me. I am so grateful for the people in my life that take time to text or call me to see how I'm doing and to check on the kids. My normal response is "We're going to be ok" or "I'm going to be ok". I realized after saying it numerous times exactly what I was saying. I was GOING TO be ok. Not today, but one day. The truth is that I am ok-right now. I really am ok. Don't get me wrong, I have moments of complete insanity. I have moments that I want to cry and punch and kick and just scream at the top of my lungs but I AM OK.

I started writing this post in January. It's now March and I'm confident in my words I AM OK that I can share it. This past Sunday one of my closest friends kept the kids for me while I was at work. The kids went with them to our church. It's the church we have gone to since 2005 but (shamefully)over the past couple years I have neglected the most important relationship in my life. I let the hurt that someone cause my heart to interfere with my relationship with the Lord. I got mad at Him for "letting" someone that I loved more than anyone in the world hurt me. I don't know how many times I cried out WHY LORD and I still don't fully know the answer. What I do know is that I am His daughter and He isn't mad at me, hasn't been punishing me and He is the reason I AM OK...and so are my babies.