Love

I've heard the question What Is Love so many times. Scripture says that God is Love and goes on to say that love is patient, kind, doesn't keep score and love perseveres. So the definition itself is easy. My question though is What Does Love Look Like?  I'm a mom so I found out on July 13,2003 the moment I laid my eyes on that cone head bluish colored non-screaming baby boy that I was deeply, madly in love. I knew that moment that my every breath after that would be for him. My heart became a little more full of love when I gave birth to a 9 pounder with no epidural and then again when my sweet love bug entered the world. My question What Does Love Look Like isn't about that cone head baby. It's about the kind you choose to give. I believe that loving our children isn't a choice. You just do. Period. No question.

To love another person that you open your unchained heart to is another story. That is a choice. But then what do you do with it? Do you selflessly walk this earth with your heart wide open? Do you allow another person to get so close to your inner most places that you are afraid or is it a comfortable place to be? Does the risk outweigh the reward? What I mean is does the risk of choosing to love and letting yourself be completely vulnerable to someone who can rip your  heart to shreds outweigh the chance of waking up every morning knowing that you are giving that piece of yourself to someone completely that's going to totally nurture it?  In return, do you nurture theirs in the same way? Are you that person's biggest fan, loudest cheerleader, encourager, shoulder, comforter? Are you their safe place?

If you are telling someone you love them I would like to encourage you to be sure that you not just say it. What are you doing to make her feel like a million bucks when she feels like an ugly ole copper penny? What are you doing that evening when he has a rough day at work? Nagging? Complaining? Or do you even know how his day was? Did you ask? 

My current status obviously shows that I didn't always practice what I'm preaching. It wasn't for lack of trying because Lord knows I did...over and over again, I tried. 

My hope is that my current status doesn't become someone else's just because the choice to love wasn't there. Loving the unlovable is never easy but it is a choice and it does persevere if you let it.

Crossroads

I said the "D" word and meant it. I wanted out.

I felt like my life would be easier with just me and the kids. For better and for worse meant nothing at that moment when I looked him in the eye and said it. My mind was made up. That is until my son walked in the room. How would I tell him that mommy and daddy couldn't work out our differences and stay together? How was I supposed to look at my daughter and explain to her that I threw in the towel before she even turned two years old? My heart ached. No, I thought, this is for the best. I need out. Rock bottom had been hit after 10 years of marriage. I was mad. I was mad at myself, my husband and at God. How could this be happening?

Crossroads. How I hate crossroads. Loathe crossroads. The scariest place I've ever been is at this crossroad. It wasn't just me that this turn would affect. It was my husband's life, my kids' lives and my life. Our life was about to change drastically.

I love this man. I love our life. I love the idea of us with gray hair, wrinkles and age spots. I love the idea of our grandkids coming to visit us and swinging on our front porch with US. We had to dig in our heels and make this work. Our marriage was worth it and our kids are worth it.

My faith was stronger than this problem. Our marriage was and is stronger than this problem. I had prayed for God to do whatever it took to break this man that I love more than life. He had done it. He showed up. God didn't promise us that it was going to be easy but He did promise that he would be there with us as we trudge through the valley. My valley was dark. It was scary and it was hard. Restoration is about going through a dark place and coming out on the other side of it changed for the better.

We've come to a place where the D word is no longer an option. As much as I hate crossroads I'm thankful that we came to it. It sounds warped but I'm glad we hit rock bottom. I'm thankful that we've worked together to make our marriage work and made it stronger than it ever has been.

I got a new ring yesterday that I am proudly wearing on my "ring finger". It replaces a ring that I got for your 10th anniversary, right before our marriage almost ended.  This eternity band is symbolic of the new beginning of our marriage. There are infinity symbols all the way around it and the note enclosed said "For eternity I will love you".

What Melts My Heart

I enjoy seeing beautiful things. I love seeing mountain scenery, gorgeous ocean views and the landscapes that God has blessed us with. Just like every mom, I think my kids are the most adorable little boogers on the planet to look at.  They delight me in so many ways and those times definitely outweigh the times that they drive me nuts. The times that I watch my kids with their daddy are some of the sweetest. When he walks in the door from work, Kenly jumps up from where ever she is and runs to him with open arms, yelling "DADDYYYYY". I believe that no matter what he just experienced as a police officer just disappeared in that moment.  Because of his schedule at work he can't be home every night to put them to bed but when he is home the kids expect daddy to come in their rooms, pray with them each individually and snuggle as if they are the only child on the planet and the only thing that matters (because they are). 

Taylor had a bad day at school a few days ago. I'm not sure what got into him because in his four years of school the only behavior problems we've had to deal with is him being a little too talkative (not sure where the heck he got that from). So anyway, he came home from school with a note that made both of us not sure exactly how to deal with it. We sat at the kitchen table with Taylor and talked it out. Daddy was less than thrilled about the events of Taylor's day since he often has to visit the schools in his uniform to deal with kids that are "actin' a fool".  We got our point across to Taylor and at the end of it we both knew he was disappointed with himself.  My husband, with tears in his eyes, held our sweet little boy in his arms and told him he too had made mistakes and that no matter what he would always love him more than anything in the world.  I'm not gonna lie, I was a mess!!  I'm not sure what kind of impact that had on Taylor but I'm guessing it was way more effective than his daddy screaming at him and sending him to his room. 

Yes, I'm bragging on what an awesome daddy my kids have. He's not perfect. He's made mistakes. He's done some really stupid things.  He is also the most amazing daddy to our kids that I could possibley ask for and I love him more than he'll ever know.

Growth

I'm not sure why God keeps giving me pictures (analogies) with nature but I'll take whatever He gives me. :) I wonder because I'm not the most nature oriented girl. There have been some rough patches over the past few years in my life. Sometimes I felt sort of like my life had been uprooted and when trees are uprooted often times they die. I don't think I was literally going to die but I did feel sometimes like emotionally and spiritually I was dying. It's not a fun place to be. I don't mean to sound cliche but I tried to stay strong and with a poker face for my kids. It was when I was alone that my poker face could come off and my "death" seemed to take over. So back to my picture....

When we bought our house in 2005, my husband planted a weeping willow in our back yard outside our bedroom window. They are my favorite tree so it was a very sweet gesture for him to plant one at our new house. After growing for about six years, Hurricane Irene came and showed her ugly face to our pretty tree. It was uprooted much like I had felt like my life had been. In one big, nasty sweep I thought the tree, as I had known it, as blossoming and beautiful was gone. A day or two after the storm we staked the tree, attempting to save it. About a month or so later I noticed that it had signs of new life on it. Little sprouts of green were all over it. I was so excited to know that our tree was not going to die and it made me think about my own "uprooted" life. What was God trying to tell me in this? Maybe I'm overanalyzing a willow tree but what I think is that just like my willow tree, my own brokeness is worth nurturing too. (yours is too)

Put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Colossians 3:14