Embracing the Chaos

I woke up this morning uneasy. No particular reason, nothing bad had happened to put my spirit in knot. I was alone, my eyes had not even opened yet and my mind was already reeling. Things to do, bills to pay, kid birthday coming up, driver's ed, overnight summer camp approaching, madness work, taking on Real Estate class, school starting soon...all the norm. Nothing out of the ordinary. What was my problem? I typically wake up without a thought besides how fast my Keurig will take to heat up.

Yesterday, while walking my dog I was listening to a book called "Girl, Wash Your Face". Do you ever hear a song and think the lyrics were to/for/about you, hear a sermon and think the preacher is talking directly to you, hear a Ted Talk and think the speech was written for you? Maybe that's the point of all those things but sometimes they just resonate with me more than others. This one particular chapter really felt like she was speaking directly to me. I started listening to this book over a month ago and typically I can finish one in a few days since I listen while I drive, work out, clean and grocery shop. I was annoyed with the author at first because she talked in an early chapter about her husband. I honestly can't even remember what it was exactly that she was frustrated with him about but it annoyed the shit out of me. I kept thinking this woman has no clue. That's ALL he's done, girl? In my mind it was so minute. It wasn't abusive, it wasn't betrayal, it wasn't degrading, it wasn't addiction. I was thinking this book is some cheerleader BS book to cheer up women by a woman who really had no clue about adversity, hard times, being lost, hitting rock bottom, losing everything. I was being super Judgy McJudgy Pants, I admit it.  I didn't listen to it for a few weeks then my niece text me and said she was listening to it and her writing sounded like me. Maybe that's why I was annoyed. Other than her husband not being that bad, I don't want to hear myself preach when what I was saying wasn't matching what I was feeling. (That may be a different post)

Back to this chapter that struck me. It was about peace. If you have ever read anything I've written or even had a conversation with me that's more than about kid sports, real estate or the weather then you know that peace is something I have said a bazillion times that I want. It's not happiness, it's not a million dollars (ok, maybe just a million), it's not a brand new car or a fancy house. I want to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning at peace. At peace with where I am, right here, right now. I just want peace. I've made painstaking decisions to remove that which steals my peace. Removing people and things that steal your joy, who make you wonder where you stand, who make you question your worth, who make you question your talents and gifts. What or who is it that is stealing from you? 

Don't misunderstand me though, peace is not the absence of chaos but being ok in the midst of it. My life is complete chaos. ALL. THE. TIME. Here's a small example from this morning when I got to work and I was still somewhat in a funk. I walked into the break room to fill my water bottle. As I bent down to fill it, my purse fell off my shoulder spilling out all the crap I had shoved in the side pocket, as I'm trying to catch that and I had already started pushing down the water lever my backside hit the paper on the table next to me and the paper on the table fell on the floor too. This is really not a big deal but I wanted to put my fist through that water jug. Maybe I should have opted for more coffee.  Instead, I took a deep breath, sat the water bottle down and picked up the huge mess I made on the floor. I can blame my kids on chaos all day long but honestly it's mostly my fault. If I'm running late it's because I didn't plan ahead, if my schedule is tight it's because I put too much on it without enough time in between.  Kids add to it, yes. Having a kid need to poop as you're walking out the door is not your fault.  It happens. Take a deep breath. Her point of the chapter was not about searching for peace so much but about embracing the chaos. When you show up late, say "thank you for waiting on me". When you show up with your hair a mess, say "thank you for not caring that I didn't fix my hair". 

So why did I wake up this morning unsettled? I'm not embracing my chaos. I'm swimming upstream thinking that I'm the only one that can manage the current. What a lie! The current isn't going anywhere. Work, kids, housework, laundry, kid activities, gym, class, bills. They are here to stay. We all get the same 24 hours in a day. Where are priorities lie and where our thoughts go are where the peace happens.

Hamster vs. Mom

Have you ever watched a hamster spinning in one of those toy wheels? They apparently need the exercise. They need to get their energy out. They need that motion, that stimulation. Every once in a while their foot slips and they go tumbling down. They get back on the wheel and go at it full blast. I am that hamster. I spin and spin and the chaos, the nonstop energy sucking machine called life just keeps going. My feet slip, I fall down. Sometimes I even hit the water bowl and feel like I'm drowning in it. It even feels like I'm spinning so fast at times that the wheel is going to come completely off and go flying.  Just like the hamster I get back on and keep going because chaos is my comfort zone.

Have you ever noticed how well hamsters seem to rest when they curl up in a ball, safe in their little cedar chip home? How they don't move for hours, recharge to the point where you may even shake the cage to make sure you don't need to find the nearest shoe box casket? That is their "me time". We need that rest. We need to recharge. We need to not feel guilty about doing whatever we need to do in order to refresh ourselves. It may be sleeping in on Saturday morning, it may be a good workout at the gym, it may be running 10 miles, it may be sitting on the couch crocheting a blanket or learning to dance. As moms, we revolve our lives around our children. We should, don't get me wrong but we are also people. They are only little once. I get it. But we also only live once. Spend time with our kids, go to their games, snuggle them, stare at them nonstop while they are in your arms. We can't forget who we are though. Our identity can be more than mom. It is healthy to be more. It is healthy for you and it's healthy for kids to see you as more than their taxi driver, chef, maid, laundry service and tutor.

Mom guilt is one of the worst parts of motherhood. We do it to ourselves. We think doing something for ourselves is selfish and may even be told we are selfish for spending time doing something that doesn't revolve around a child or a man. Taking care of ourselves should be put on the back burner because everyone else is in the front of the line. I struggle with this too. Do I need to sit at practice or do I go for a run? Do I buy those shoes or do one of the kids need a pair? Do I eat all the cookie dough when they go to bed or leave some for them? Do I stay in a crappy marriage for the kids sake or do I leave a crappy marriage for the kids sake? Either way we go, mom guilt rears it's ugly head.

I never thought about it until now how much I identify with hamsters.  They thrive on chaos but then they rest and I bet you anything they don't feel a bit of guilt about it. That's where we may differ a little. I'll keep spinning my wheels, being a taxi driver and chef and tutor. I'll inevitably fall off the wheel and suck some days. I'll also be me. A person. A friend. A wanna-be runner, a wanna-be dancer. I'll get my hair done and my brows waxed. I'll be lazy on the couch and read books and spend time trying the newest brew at the local brewery because WHY NOT. It's what I like. It's what I enjoy. I am a mom but I am also me. Carve out time. YOU are worth it.

Strong tears

6:00 Sunday

I drove less than five minutes with my chest tight, holding back tears. Should have let them fall. Walk in the door to find a notification “Mom I wanna come home” along with an emoji of a crying face. I can hear a pin drop in my house. She's been away from me for less than five minutes. They were here ten minutes ago. Walking, running, laughing, talking in their crazy voice to the dog. The quiet hurts. My heart aches. Sweet, happy girl that just wants to wear high heels, glitter and anything pink is crying too. I left her crying as he honked his truck horn for her to hurry up and stop hugging me. Tears filling her beautiful blue eyes and flowing down her little pink cheeks. “Mommy, please let me go with you” then ran to his truck so he wouldn't get mad.

I made a choice. I did this. I left and knew I'd have to share her. I knew it would be hard. I never knew how hard. I knew it would be my job to teach her how she should be treated. Standards that some may think are a given. They aren't. Not everyone has the ability to love us. Not everyone has the ability to respect us. Not everyone is worthy of our time, effort and energy. Not everyone is going to deposit fear in you. How honking a horn for her to hurry up when she's hurting is selfish. The hate for me is greater than the love for her. My heart breaks for her.

We'll go the next several days messaging each other. I'll go by and see her at school in the morning and sneak away from my desk and surprise her with a bag of Chick Fil A. I'll hug her tight when I leave. She'll walk a couple steps and come back for another quick squeeze. As I walk away from her I'll take a deep breath. I'll know that my choice is, in the long run, for her benefit and my boys. They'll thank me one day. Right now they'll go back and forth. They'll be like yo-yos but always knowing MY house is Home. They'll know they can come through Our door at any moment, take their shoes off, sit down, eat, sleep and relax in their safe place. Home. They'll come home.

Tears will continue to flow but laughter will outweigh our tears. She'll grow up strong because this right now is her trial. It's preparing her for more. It's preparing her to be a warrior. Solid and steadfast. She's hurting at nine years old but she's also loving. She's also learning that her mom's love for her is the greatest force she has and will know as she grows it'll never end.

Grace and Angels

Maybe it's just me but when I feel like I'm losing faith in humanity something happens to remind me that there are really good people in this world. People that will do for others without expecting a thing in return. No tit-for-tat. Just because.

I woke up Tuesday morning early and I'm not a morning person but when the opportunity arises that I can watch the sun come up over the horizon I take it. I woke up to the sound of the waves, perfect mid-50s temperatures and the most beautiful hand painted by our Creator sky you've ever seen. Pink and blue and gray with wispy clouds throughout.  Maybe because quiet isn't something I'm used to but I sat there and took it all in. There were a few people walking already probably with the same idea that I had, just to breathe in the salt air and marvel. 

I had moments of pure gratitude and honestly, a few moments of frustration. Who could possibly be sitting on an ocean front balcony watching the most beautiful sunrise and be frustrated? Well, for a few minutes I found myself asking why. God, why am I here? Why am I alone? Why am I starting my life over again at 40? Why am I just now learning about who I really am? Why has it taken so long for me to have peace? Why was I hurt? Why weren't You there when I begged, pleaded and still my heart was broken in a million pieces? Where were You?  See, God can handle that stuff. He can handle the blame and the "whys" and here I was in my mind dishing it out. 

The short of it is this...He was there and He is still here. On that balcony as I questioned Him. He's like "Girl, you are somewhat of a slow learner with matters of the heart but you got this. Your heart is healed and it's ready to conquer more but it'll be good next time. Trust me".  I was the clay and He was the potter. I needed to be molded and in order for me to develop into something where I knew I was worthy I had to crumble off the little spinny table a few times. A lot more than a few. A few times other potters came along and pretty much just smashed me into the ground and I had to be rebuilt. Now, I have not been completely rebuilt but I can assure you that I am much stronger, steadier, more grateful than ever and can withhold a lot more pressure than I once could. 

I wonder if that quiet morning was preparing me for a day of insanity with a flat tire over an hour away from home. I was sent a few angels that day disguised as a sweet couple just out looking for furniture, an old Army vet, a auto parts guy and an auto mechanic and his wife that apparently put on one heck of a Christmas lights show in their town. I was reminded after spending three hours with my daughter and dog stranded with a messed up tire these angels could have easily been crappy people that could have done a lot more harm that break off two of my lug-nuts in an attempt to change my




tire. I got home that night after driving home on a patched tire and the auto mechanic sent me a message (we had "liked" their Christmas lights facebook page so that's how they found me) to make sure my daughter and I had made it home safe. What an angel you are, Mr. Mechanic. Thank you for reminding me of the good in the world. 

Even Ryder loves a good sunrise! 

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Friends

I've been thinking a lot lately about friends. I don't know how many times I've heard females say that they have more male friends than female because guys don't come with as much drama. While I can see where that could be the case I hate that we have this reputation of being full of drama and pettiness. Having been around for a few years and had a lot of girlfriends I can somewhat attest to this BUT I wouldn't ever even consider giving the entire female population this stereotype.

I had a sleepover for my daughter's 9th birthday a few weeks ago. Not going to lie, I almost dreaded the idea because from prior experience there was a lot of feelings involved, whining, tattling and just silliness that I couldn't handle without instinctively my rolling my eyes and I'm not very sympathetic towards. So, right off the bat I was stereotyping my daughter's friends. Shame on me. As they started showing up they were all excited about what our night was going to be like and to my surprise with each girl that got there the excitement was contagious. Surprisingly, I had a house full of 9 year old girls and not a single issue. I began to think about this more and more and wondered why other than it seems inevitable when you put a group of kids together that there will be some sort of problem but especially GIRLS!  What I heard that night instead was "Sing it, GUUURRRRL!" as they squealed in the karaoke machine. I heard "I'm so happy you are here" and "I love your pajamas" and "I don't want this day to end". My daughter told me it had been one of the best days of her life. SCORE! As she grows up I hope she will make quality friends over a quantity of friends.

In talking to some of my own friends over the past several months when my tribe has been my sanity I've come to some conclusions about the type of women I want in my life, the ones that will influence not only me but my kids too. Here's what I came up with...

1. Don't be an itchy friend. Here's what I mean in the nicest way possible. Remember when you were a kid and sometimes there was a tag in your pants sort of itched your rear end? You'd go home and have your mom cut the tag but there were the edges that still poked and itched your back. That tag owns you. You are a prisoner to the tag because when you walk it's there, when you sit it's there. Well, being a friend that is an itchy tag isn't cool. Let people be who they are without being itchy. You can make your presence known without being an itch. Be a laid back screen printed tag, not an itchy tag. ok?

2. We all get busy. Kids, work, school, sports, homework, housework, new episodes of This Is Us. These are all priorities. BUT in order to be a good mom, wife, employee, bad ass woman we have to make time for ourselves which also translates into spending time with our quality friends. It doesn't need to be a weekly thing although if you can do it, do it! Even if it's just monthly, a quick lunch, cup of coffee or whatever, make time! In the meantime, if you don't get a text from me for days or weeks, it's nothing personal, we'll catch up later!

3. This ties in a little with #2 but for real, don't wait for someone else to create the party and be invited! YOU create the event (as if there needs to be a reason to celebrate!) and invite your girls! And guess what, if nobody shows up at the Mexican Restaurant at the time you choose, that's ok!!! Life must have happened, someone had a sick kid or practice and you can sit there at the bar or booth of that Mexican Restaurant and eat every last chip and lick the queso bowl if you wish. You can even drink the entire Monster Margarita and Uber yourself a ride home. Sometimes, your own self the the best friend you have!

4. Greet your friends like my 9 year old and her friends did when it's party night! If you walk in the door like you're going to a funeral, pretty sure your energy is going to spread like a bad case of the Creepy Crawlies at the Lollipops nightclub by the main gate of the base. That's all I have to say about that.

5. Ask yourself if the people you are surrounding yourself with challenge you to be better. Do they encourage your dreams? Do you tell them your latest shenanigan and roll their eyes or do they laugh and encourage more shenanigans?  Can you even talk about your dreams and mischief with them without feeling like you're talking to Judgey McJudgey Pants? When you get a little too far in your questionable decisions do they set you straight and love you through it?  These are the people I want in my life. These are the people I have in my life. Ahhh, grateful doesn't describe it.

Quality over quantity. Acceptance over judgment. Love over disagreements.

Alone

Over the past several years of heartache, I've cried until I literally felt like I didn't have a tear left to shed. My body ached at times, my chest would have a constant tightness and felt like I couldn't get a deep enough breath to survive another minute. Looking back it seems extreme but when your life takes unexpected turns, some at the fault of others and certainly through fault of your own, survival mode is all you have.

I've never been alone. I never thought I'd be have to be alone. Growing up the youngest of three kids, my parents having a great marriage and always there for me, moving on to college and meeting some of the best friends of my life, then getting married young, I went from one situation to another where being alone wasn't part of the equation.

In 2013 when I found myself living alone with my kids I had to do things on my own that I had never had to do. I wasn't ready to conquer life by myself but the reality was READY OR NOT. It was my decision to live this alone lifestyle but I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that consumed me. I longed for companionship besides from someone asking me for a snack or to check their homework. I wanted someone next to me at night but not my sweet blue eyed girl (she was my roommate for 9 months!) Talking about my day, hearing about someone else's day, dreaming, kissing goodnight, mourning the sickness of my dad, crying and having someone hold me when I put my dog down. I was so busy being sad, angry and pitiful that during that period of my life I didn't notice much of the joy that was in my face. It seems as though when you hit a wall or a really low point there is nothing that can bring us joy. Loneliness and self loathing had consumed me. I didn't realize how much more lonely I was before, when my presence just didn't matter.

Fast forward a little bit and my marriage attempted to reconcile. Here is what I realized...Being physically alone and feeling lonely is so much sweeter than being with another person and feeling lonely. Let that sink in...Feeling lonely with another person in your presence is just straight up horrible. Have you ever been in the same room with someone and felt like you didn't exist? When my dad passed away after a very fast, aggressive illness, I mourned his death alone with someone sleeping next to me. I cried myself to sleep at night silently. Woke up at empty shell of a person.

I don't want to give the impression that another person is supposed to complete you. I don't believe that at all. I do, however, believe that if another person is invited into your soul that it's nothing short of sacred. When one cries, the other cries. When one laughs, the other laughs. When you mourn, you both mourn. Talk and listen. The give and take is what makes loneliness disappear. The knowing that no matter what, I'm here.

The flip side is this...what and how are you making other around you not feel alone? Are you sitting in a room with someone you claim to love and making certain that their presence matters?  I challenge you to make an effort to make your husband, wife, child, friend know that they are not alone. Our battles come from every direction and knowing we are not alone to conquer the world is just what someone might need.

Heels to Hairnet

How else to you dress up a Prison-Cell-Gray-Generic Polo for Halloween?

If you had asked me 5 years ago where I would be in 5 years I can assure you it wouldn't be living alone in a 2 bedroom house with three kids and two dogs with no job. Nor would I tell you I would be an unsuccessful lunch lady. Many of you have asked since you read my blog post (Annoyed) where I work since I commented that I had to go to a job I hate.  Let me give you a little history...I've worked in a law firm most of my adult life closing real estate transactions. With the exception of a few realtors I pissed off over the years everyone would probably tell you I kicked butt at my job. Last summer when my marriage had taken a major downward spiral and in an attempt to make my home life a little less stressful I decided to quit my job and take a job working for the school system with Child Nutrition which is the fancy name for lunch lady. The hours were perfect...8:00-2:30 and I would work when the kids were in school and be off when they were out of school. The money wasn't great...who am I kidding, the money sucked but since my husband and I were together it was fine because we wouldn't rely so much on my income anyway. Again, the hours were perfect. So, I take this job and the Head Lunch Lady, who I'll call Gru because she reminds me of the main dude from Despicable Me, offered me a manager position. I accepted it and started at the beginning of the school year. Another dramatic turn happened in my marriage again, my husband and I separated. My first couple of weeks was tough because of the craziness of my personal life and having to adjust to huge changes at home. Not only that but school was starting for my kids which is crazy by itself. August went sort of like this...quit my job, start training for new job, moved out of my house into my sister's house with the kids, court, school started for the kids and serving lunch to 500 middle schoolers started for me. Oh I forgot to mention that I had to be at work AT 6:00 a.m. with a 20 minute commute. Gru was kind enough to work with me on the difficulty of getting 3 kids up and out the door to be at work at 6 and said I could start coming in at 7 instead. Amazing what an hour can do!

I probably shouldn't have said I HATE it. With a few exceptions like --the three awesome ladies I got to spend my day with...One who is in her 60s that could work circles around anyone I know, one who has the kindest, sweetest spirit and another who shares my sarcastic sense of humor--I was not a fan of being a lunch lady. I also loved the kids...well, most of them. The one that sucked his teeth at me one day I wanted to ask him if he wanted to pick his teeth up off the floor but most of them are so sweet.  A kid said one day the hamburgers didn't look like beef so I told him there were some stray cats hanging out at the dumpster that morning so I "cooked 'em up". Poor kid chose pizza that day. I found myself having conversations about shoe wedgies and eye boogers. I liked that part.  The part I didn't like was when Gru or either of her Minions would show up out unexpectedly and mess up our Mo-jo. Geez, just leave well enough alone. They'd hover over us like a dag-um Harrier Jet and say things like "why are you serving biscuits instead of rolls?" well, we ran out of rolls so we are substituting. Then I'd hear how biscuits change the analysis for that day, blah, blah, blah. I want to take her to the trash can and let her take a peak in there at all the Effing biscuits that are floating around. That, my friend, is what throws off your analysis. You are feeding these kids rolls and biscuits that taste like cardboard!  Anyway, my manager status earned me a whopping .30 more per hour. So I got the pleasure of signing my name to a document every afternoon that put my arse on the line for $2.40 extra a day. So after doing it for the first half of the school year I "resigned" as manager after Christmas break. Gru and her minions decided they didn't have a worker position available for me so I was left jobless. I think it had more to do with me not kissing their hineys when they came around but oh well. Maybe I need to work on my attitude or maybe I just work better without a hairnet and heels (or flip flops) on my feet.

Disclaimer: My hairnet is off to the ladies that do that job day in and day out with little recognition and very little pay. They rock at what they do and I'm by no means downplaying it. Personally, it's not the job for me.



Let me just tell you how hot a pizza pan is straight out of a cafeteria oven. Yep, that's my arm.

I am OK

My post titled Annoyed was a hard one to write. December was a painful month for me and although it was hard it was almost like therapy for me. I don't even think the words I typed even hit the surface of what was actually going on in my mind and in my heart. The reason I bring this up is because I had a lot of people after they read it concerned about me. I am so grateful for the people in my life that take time to text or call me to see how I'm doing and to check on the kids. My normal response is "We're going to be ok" or "I'm going to be ok". I realized after saying it numerous times exactly what I was saying. I was GOING TO be ok. Not today, but one day. The truth is that I am ok-right now. I really am ok. Don't get me wrong, I have moments of complete insanity. I have moments that I want to cry and punch and kick and just scream at the top of my lungs but I AM OK.

I started writing this post in January. It's now March and I'm confident in my words I AM OK that I can share it. This past Sunday one of my closest friends kept the kids for me while I was at work. The kids went with them to our church. It's the church we have gone to since 2005 but (shamefully)over the past couple years I have neglected the most important relationship in my life. I let the hurt that someone cause my heart to interfere with my relationship with the Lord. I got mad at Him for "letting" someone that I loved more than anyone in the world hurt me. I don't know how many times I cried out WHY LORD and I still don't fully know the answer. What I do know is that I am His daughter and He isn't mad at me, hasn't been punishing me and He is the reason I AM OK...and so are my babies.

Mouse in the Tub

I went in the bathroom, pushed the curtain slightly just to turn on the shower and walked out. I told Booboo (he's 6) the water was running. He went in there like he normally does but this time came out butt naked jumped on the couch screaming over and over "THERE'S A RAT IN THE TUB!!!"

First, let me tell you that I've never lived on my own aka without a man in the house. I went from living with my parents to being married so the past few months of doing "man jobs" hasn't exactly been fun. Things like filling the water softener seem easy enough but when you drop the bag down in that machine and it gets stuck it's not fun. Or looking outside to see the wind has blown the trampoline to the neighbors sod field. Or trash...I hate dealing with trash. Oh and clogged drains that you later realize aren't clogged but the little lever was pulled up that retains the water in the tub. Ok, enough whining. I have managed and learned a few things. 

So today my naked six year old comes out screaming there's a mouse in the tub. Pardon me but WTF am I supposed to do with a mouse?!?! I've now added critters and bugs to my list of "man jobs I hate". Well, who better to get the mouse than my man-in-training? He's 10 and needs to do these things. Only MY 10 year old was just as girly about the mouse as I was. Here's a little video of the heroic rescue by his friend....and it's me that was rescued along with Fivel. 

 

 

 

Annoyed

4:45 a.m. mid-December, 2013 the horrible sound of the dreaded alarm clock is the most annoying sound on the planet. At this point everything is annoying and putting my feet on the floor to start another day is the last thing I want to do. I hit snooze once, twice then three times. That nine minutes between chimes is just what I need to be even more annoyed. My 15 year old dog prances her nails on the hard floor back and forth until I get up to take her out. Click, click, click. Back and forth. So annoying. I love her but at this moment I hate her for making me remove the warm blanket and get out of my safe place. How long before I can get back in this bed and forget the world around me?  How many times today is someone going to say "How ARE You" in their most sincere tone? How many times today am I going to be reminded by the decorations, music, lights and excitement of my kids that it's the fabulous, long awaited Holiday season when everyone is happy and families are together? How many times am I going to feel that invisible punch in my gut, that emptiness? My body aches. My head throbs. My eyes burn. My heart feels like it weighs 100 pounds and it physically hurts with every beat. How many more days until this Most Wonderful Time of the year is over?

I muster up enough energy to walk to the front door to let the dogs out. It's cold outside. Another thing to add to my annoying list. Walk in the bathroom and look at an empty shell of a person looking back at me. When did this happen? When did I develop bags under my eyes and puffy eye lids? When did I become so easily annoyed? I muster up a little more energy to shower and get dressed to go spend the next 8 hours at a job that I hate. Ungrateful. When did I become so ungrateful? When did I become this bitter, angry shell of a person? I hate her. I hate the way she feels, the way she doesn't feel, the way she looks, the way she doesn't find joy in the simple things in life that once made her want to be around people. Isolation has become her new best friend.

I turn the light on in my boys' bedroom. Their faces barely peak out from under the blanket. I stand there and stare at these two precious faces that need me. They need me to bury the annoyances of life, put on my happy face and take care of them. I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed, reach down and touch them both, tears streaming down my face. Lean over and kiss them both on the forehead. Four little brown eyes open. My six year old says "What's Wrong, Mommy". My heavy heart is gone and I say "I'm Just So Thankful To Be Your Mommy".

I Won't Let You Fall

"Mommy, don't let me fall!" she said. I responded, "Do you trust me? I'm right here. I won't let you fall." How many times in my life have I desired the same thing? I've wanted to be protected, to be vulnerable and allow someone to protect me without a doubt that I wouldn't get hurt. The reality is that I let myself ride a bike, go full blast and was not protected. My heart wasn't protected so it was broken. Now here I am thinking my daughter trusts me completely to catch her if she loses her balance on her bike that she's riding for the first time without training wheels. She's trusting that I won't let her down. It's my job now as her protector to make her realize and choose the people in her life that will do the same thing. It's my job to teach her and it's no small job.

• She is more than enough. She is pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough. She is enough. The first time someone makes her feel like she's not. Goodbye.
• She is beautiful exactly the way she is. She doesn't need to compromise her dignity in order to make someone else think she's beautiful.
•  Sometimes putting another person's needs before your own isn't a good thing. It makes me think of when you are on an airplane and the flight attendant does her spill at the beginning of the flight and says to place the oxygen mask on yourself before anyone else. As a parent that's a hard concept for me to wrap my brain around but it makes perfect sense. I can't help my kids breathe if I'm not breathing. It's that simple.
• Trust your gut. If it feels weird in your gut, then don't do it or stop doing it.
• Taking care of herself is perfectly acceptable. In my own life my motives have been questioned about why I would go to the gym, why I would run, why I got my hair done, why I painted my fingernails. The motivation in someone else's eyes was that I was trying to attract attention to myself. The actual motivation was just because I enjoyed working out and feeling and looking healthy. I will encourage my daughter to do the same.
• Do not settle. On anything. Ever. She deserves the best. I don't mean material things either although she does have an insane love for shoes at an early age. I'm talking about the way she's treated and who she surrounds herself with. She doesn't need a BFF who puts her down. There are plenty of other BFFs in the sea. She doesn't need to settle for a guy who gives her the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way regardless of whether it has to do with her or not. Silent treatment is a soul killer.

I'm sure my list will grow as she gets older and at some point in her life she'll deal with saying Don't Let Me Fall and someone letting her fall. That is life after all. In the meantime, I'll do my duty of making sure I'm not the one that does it....even if it takes running down the road in the squat position while my legs are on fire so that she doesn't scrape a knee.

Love

I've heard the question What Is Love so many times. Scripture says that God is Love and goes on to say that love is patient, kind, doesn't keep score and love perseveres. So the definition itself is easy. My question though is What Does Love Look Like?  I'm a mom so I found out on July 13,2003 the moment I laid my eyes on that cone head bluish colored non-screaming baby boy that I was deeply, madly in love. I knew that moment that my every breath after that would be for him. My heart became a little more full of love when I gave birth to a 9 pounder with no epidural and then again when my sweet love bug entered the world. My question What Does Love Look Like isn't about that cone head baby. It's about the kind you choose to give. I believe that loving our children isn't a choice. You just do. Period. No question.

To love another person that you open your unchained heart to is another story. That is a choice. But then what do you do with it? Do you selflessly walk this earth with your heart wide open? Do you allow another person to get so close to your inner most places that you are afraid or is it a comfortable place to be? Does the risk outweigh the reward? What I mean is does the risk of choosing to love and letting yourself be completely vulnerable to someone who can rip your  heart to shreds outweigh the chance of waking up every morning knowing that you are giving that piece of yourself to someone completely that's going to totally nurture it?  In return, do you nurture theirs in the same way? Are you that person's biggest fan, loudest cheerleader, encourager, shoulder, comforter? Are you their safe place?

If you are telling someone you love them I would like to encourage you to be sure that you not just say it. What are you doing to make her feel like a million bucks when she feels like an ugly ole copper penny? What are you doing that evening when he has a rough day at work? Nagging? Complaining? Or do you even know how his day was? Did you ask? 

My current status obviously shows that I didn't always practice what I'm preaching. It wasn't for lack of trying because Lord knows I did...over and over again, I tried. 

My hope is that my current status doesn't become someone else's just because the choice to love wasn't there. Loving the unlovable is never easy but it is a choice and it does persevere if you let it.

Canvas art

On a rainy Saturday the kids and I were in Michael's craft store. While the boys took the Rainbow Loom bracelet making class I remembered some ideas I had seen on pinterest. Just so happens the canvas was 60% off. I grabbed a few packs and some paint. I taped off the first letter of their names and they went crazy painting. After it dried I pealed off the tape. They turned out very much like their personalities. 

Then we decided to do some free printing on the bigger pieces. I was impressed at what they did. My 10 year old wanted to paint something for his art teacher, my 6 year old did a butterfly and my 5 year old painted flowers I sketched on with pencil. We will definitely paint again  soon. 

More Becky

C25K

I've taken a lot of time off from taking care of myself. I'm ready to make it a priority again so I've started the couch to 5k app...again. It's a great program and it got me ready before so I'm on week 6 now. It was a 5 minute warm up walk, 10 minute run, 3 minute walk, another 10 minute run then 5 minute cool down walk. My second 10 minute run I had to walk a little bit because I got a cramp. Hate that. Feels good to be moving again. Couldn't have asked for better weather either. 72 in December is ok by me! 

And Becky's at it again

Becky's Best Moments 2012

Ziplining Becky

Even Becky loves a good game of Candy Land

Becky played dress up with Barbie clothes the night after her football accident. She felt much better after her make-over.

She is a little mischevious

Reading and hanging out with a Christmas Classic

Nerf War!!!





Becky's injury

Becky lost her power and couldn't fly out the window. Injured and on bed rest.

The sparkle treatment from her Elf friends.

Poor Becky had a little situation the afternoon after she painted the kids' noses. She was hanging out under the tree and the boys were doing their normal football game in the living room (which is funny that it's what they are doing right now). One of them threw the ball, the other dove for it and Becky literally flew across the dining room floor and hit the opposite wall. Part of the magic with Becky is that if she is touched she will lose her power. Well, I picked her up and placed her back under the tree but that night while we were all asleep she went to fly out the kitchen window and guess what? She couldn't because the boys had plowed her over and all her powers were gone. So she hit the window, richicheted off and was severely injured. She ended up spending the day in a Barbie bed bandaged and nursing her wounds. I can assure you the boys were more gentle and didn't touch her again.
The next night her Elf friends from the North Pole left a note saying there was something in the mail box for her to restore her powers (a bag of glitter). It worked and that night she was back to her shenanigans.

Becky Continued

Sleeping beauty has no idea his elf has been busy.



Guess who got into the paint?!



Choose

I've had to make some tough choices. What is best for my kids? What is best for me? What is best for the man I've loved almost my entire life? Things had come to a point in my marriage that made me realize that it was best if we no longer lived together. This is by far the hardest decision I've ever made. It's really easy to tell other people what choices they need to make. What appears to be, from the outside looking in, an easy decision to make. Another person's problems always appear black and white. Our own problems have layers, shades of gray, dark places and very light places.  I started asking myself questions like-Is love enough? Am I enough? Will things ever change? Will time heal broken hearts?  Then the more practical questions-How will I survive alone? How will I fall asleep without him next to me? How will I handle the whispers and rumors? How will my children handle living with both of us...just not together? 

It's now been almost 3 months. Some of my questions have been answered. Others will one day be answered. Until then, I'll survive, take care of my kids and keep falling asleep with my sweet 5 year old chatter box every night.