Embracing the Chaos

I woke up this morning uneasy. No particular reason, nothing bad had happened to put my spirit in knot. I was alone, my eyes had not even opened yet and my mind was already reeling. Things to do, bills to pay, kid birthday coming up, driver's ed, overnight summer camp approaching, madness work, taking on Real Estate class, school starting soon...all the norm. Nothing out of the ordinary. What was my problem? I typically wake up without a thought besides how fast my Keurig will take to heat up.

Yesterday, while walking my dog I was listening to a book called "Girl, Wash Your Face". Do you ever hear a song and think the lyrics were to/for/about you, hear a sermon and think the preacher is talking directly to you, hear a Ted Talk and think the speech was written for you? Maybe that's the point of all those things but sometimes they just resonate with me more than others. This one particular chapter really felt like she was speaking directly to me. I started listening to this book over a month ago and typically I can finish one in a few days since I listen while I drive, work out, clean and grocery shop. I was annoyed with the author at first because she talked in an early chapter about her husband. I honestly can't even remember what it was exactly that she was frustrated with him about but it annoyed the shit out of me. I kept thinking this woman has no clue. That's ALL he's done, girl? In my mind it was so minute. It wasn't abusive, it wasn't betrayal, it wasn't degrading, it wasn't addiction. I was thinking this book is some cheerleader BS book to cheer up women by a woman who really had no clue about adversity, hard times, being lost, hitting rock bottom, losing everything. I was being super Judgy McJudgy Pants, I admit it.  I didn't listen to it for a few weeks then my niece text me and said she was listening to it and her writing sounded like me. Maybe that's why I was annoyed. Other than her husband not being that bad, I don't want to hear myself preach when what I was saying wasn't matching what I was feeling. (That may be a different post)

Back to this chapter that struck me. It was about peace. If you have ever read anything I've written or even had a conversation with me that's more than about kid sports, real estate or the weather then you know that peace is something I have said a bazillion times that I want. It's not happiness, it's not a million dollars (ok, maybe just a million), it's not a brand new car or a fancy house. I want to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning at peace. At peace with where I am, right here, right now. I just want peace. I've made painstaking decisions to remove that which steals my peace. Removing people and things that steal your joy, who make you wonder where you stand, who make you question your worth, who make you question your talents and gifts. What or who is it that is stealing from you? 

Don't misunderstand me though, peace is not the absence of chaos but being ok in the midst of it. My life is complete chaos. ALL. THE. TIME. Here's a small example from this morning when I got to work and I was still somewhat in a funk. I walked into the break room to fill my water bottle. As I bent down to fill it, my purse fell off my shoulder spilling out all the crap I had shoved in the side pocket, as I'm trying to catch that and I had already started pushing down the water lever my backside hit the paper on the table next to me and the paper on the table fell on the floor too. This is really not a big deal but I wanted to put my fist through that water jug. Maybe I should have opted for more coffee.  Instead, I took a deep breath, sat the water bottle down and picked up the huge mess I made on the floor. I can blame my kids on chaos all day long but honestly it's mostly my fault. If I'm running late it's because I didn't plan ahead, if my schedule is tight it's because I put too much on it without enough time in between.  Kids add to it, yes. Having a kid need to poop as you're walking out the door is not your fault.  It happens. Take a deep breath. Her point of the chapter was not about searching for peace so much but about embracing the chaos. When you show up late, say "thank you for waiting on me". When you show up with your hair a mess, say "thank you for not caring that I didn't fix my hair". 

So why did I wake up this morning unsettled? I'm not embracing my chaos. I'm swimming upstream thinking that I'm the only one that can manage the current. What a lie! The current isn't going anywhere. Work, kids, housework, laundry, kid activities, gym, class, bills. They are here to stay. We all get the same 24 hours in a day. Where are priorities lie and where our thoughts go are where the peace happens.

Hamster vs. Mom

Have you ever watched a hamster spinning in one of those toy wheels? They apparently need the exercise. They need to get their energy out. They need that motion, that stimulation. Every once in a while their foot slips and they go tumbling down. They get back on the wheel and go at it full blast. I am that hamster. I spin and spin and the chaos, the nonstop energy sucking machine called life just keeps going. My feet slip, I fall down. Sometimes I even hit the water bowl and feel like I'm drowning in it. It even feels like I'm spinning so fast at times that the wheel is going to come completely off and go flying.  Just like the hamster I get back on and keep going because chaos is my comfort zone.

Have you ever noticed how well hamsters seem to rest when they curl up in a ball, safe in their little cedar chip home? How they don't move for hours, recharge to the point where you may even shake the cage to make sure you don't need to find the nearest shoe box casket? That is their "me time". We need that rest. We need to recharge. We need to not feel guilty about doing whatever we need to do in order to refresh ourselves. It may be sleeping in on Saturday morning, it may be a good workout at the gym, it may be running 10 miles, it may be sitting on the couch crocheting a blanket or learning to dance. As moms, we revolve our lives around our children. We should, don't get me wrong but we are also people. They are only little once. I get it. But we also only live once. Spend time with our kids, go to their games, snuggle them, stare at them nonstop while they are in your arms. We can't forget who we are though. Our identity can be more than mom. It is healthy to be more. It is healthy for you and it's healthy for kids to see you as more than their taxi driver, chef, maid, laundry service and tutor.

Mom guilt is one of the worst parts of motherhood. We do it to ourselves. We think doing something for ourselves is selfish and may even be told we are selfish for spending time doing something that doesn't revolve around a child or a man. Taking care of ourselves should be put on the back burner because everyone else is in the front of the line. I struggle with this too. Do I need to sit at practice or do I go for a run? Do I buy those shoes or do one of the kids need a pair? Do I eat all the cookie dough when they go to bed or leave some for them? Do I stay in a crappy marriage for the kids sake or do I leave a crappy marriage for the kids sake? Either way we go, mom guilt rears it's ugly head.

I never thought about it until now how much I identify with hamsters.  They thrive on chaos but then they rest and I bet you anything they don't feel a bit of guilt about it. That's where we may differ a little. I'll keep spinning my wheels, being a taxi driver and chef and tutor. I'll inevitably fall off the wheel and suck some days. I'll also be me. A person. A friend. A wanna-be runner, a wanna-be dancer. I'll get my hair done and my brows waxed. I'll be lazy on the couch and read books and spend time trying the newest brew at the local brewery because WHY NOT. It's what I like. It's what I enjoy. I am a mom but I am also me. Carve out time. YOU are worth it.

Strong tears

6:00 Sunday

I drove less than five minutes with my chest tight, holding back tears. Should have let them fall. Walk in the door to find a notification “Mom I wanna come home” along with an emoji of a crying face. I can hear a pin drop in my house. She's been away from me for less than five minutes. They were here ten minutes ago. Walking, running, laughing, talking in their crazy voice to the dog. The quiet hurts. My heart aches. Sweet, happy girl that just wants to wear high heels, glitter and anything pink is crying too. I left her crying as he honked his truck horn for her to hurry up and stop hugging me. Tears filling her beautiful blue eyes and flowing down her little pink cheeks. “Mommy, please let me go with you” then ran to his truck so he wouldn't get mad.

I made a choice. I did this. I left and knew I'd have to share her. I knew it would be hard. I never knew how hard. I knew it would be my job to teach her how she should be treated. Standards that some may think are a given. They aren't. Not everyone has the ability to love us. Not everyone has the ability to respect us. Not everyone is worthy of our time, effort and energy. Not everyone is going to deposit fear in you. How honking a horn for her to hurry up when she's hurting is selfish. The hate for me is greater than the love for her. My heart breaks for her.

We'll go the next several days messaging each other. I'll go by and see her at school in the morning and sneak away from my desk and surprise her with a bag of Chick Fil A. I'll hug her tight when I leave. She'll walk a couple steps and come back for another quick squeeze. As I walk away from her I'll take a deep breath. I'll know that my choice is, in the long run, for her benefit and my boys. They'll thank me one day. Right now they'll go back and forth. They'll be like yo-yos but always knowing MY house is Home. They'll know they can come through Our door at any moment, take their shoes off, sit down, eat, sleep and relax in their safe place. Home. They'll come home.

Tears will continue to flow but laughter will outweigh our tears. She'll grow up strong because this right now is her trial. It's preparing her for more. It's preparing her to be a warrior. Solid and steadfast. She's hurting at nine years old but she's also loving. She's also learning that her mom's love for her is the greatest force she has and will know as she grows it'll never end.

Grace and Angels

Maybe it's just me but when I feel like I'm losing faith in humanity something happens to remind me that there are really good people in this world. People that will do for others without expecting a thing in return. No tit-for-tat. Just because.

I woke up Tuesday morning early and I'm not a morning person but when the opportunity arises that I can watch the sun come up over the horizon I take it. I woke up to the sound of the waves, perfect mid-50s temperatures and the most beautiful hand painted by our Creator sky you've ever seen. Pink and blue and gray with wispy clouds throughout.  Maybe because quiet isn't something I'm used to but I sat there and took it all in. There were a few people walking already probably with the same idea that I had, just to breathe in the salt air and marvel. 

I had moments of pure gratitude and honestly, a few moments of frustration. Who could possibly be sitting on an ocean front balcony watching the most beautiful sunrise and be frustrated? Well, for a few minutes I found myself asking why. God, why am I here? Why am I alone? Why am I starting my life over again at 40? Why am I just now learning about who I really am? Why has it taken so long for me to have peace? Why was I hurt? Why weren't You there when I begged, pleaded and still my heart was broken in a million pieces? Where were You?  See, God can handle that stuff. He can handle the blame and the "whys" and here I was in my mind dishing it out. 

The short of it is this...He was there and He is still here. On that balcony as I questioned Him. He's like "Girl, you are somewhat of a slow learner with matters of the heart but you got this. Your heart is healed and it's ready to conquer more but it'll be good next time. Trust me".  I was the clay and He was the potter. I needed to be molded and in order for me to develop into something where I knew I was worthy I had to crumble off the little spinny table a few times. A lot more than a few. A few times other potters came along and pretty much just smashed me into the ground and I had to be rebuilt. Now, I have not been completely rebuilt but I can assure you that I am much stronger, steadier, more grateful than ever and can withhold a lot more pressure than I once could. 

I wonder if that quiet morning was preparing me for a day of insanity with a flat tire over an hour away from home. I was sent a few angels that day disguised as a sweet couple just out looking for furniture, an old Army vet, a auto parts guy and an auto mechanic and his wife that apparently put on one heck of a Christmas lights show in their town. I was reminded after spending three hours with my daughter and dog stranded with a messed up tire these angels could have easily been crappy people that could have done a lot more harm that break off two of my lug-nuts in an attempt to change my




tire. I got home that night after driving home on a patched tire and the auto mechanic sent me a message (we had "liked" their Christmas lights facebook page so that's how they found me) to make sure my daughter and I had made it home safe. What an angel you are, Mr. Mechanic. Thank you for reminding me of the good in the world. 

Even Ryder loves a good sunrise! 

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Friends

I've been thinking a lot lately about friends. I don't know how many times I've heard females say that they have more male friends than female because guys don't come with as much drama. While I can see where that could be the case I hate that we have this reputation of being full of drama and pettiness. Having been around for a few years and had a lot of girlfriends I can somewhat attest to this BUT I wouldn't ever even consider giving the entire female population this stereotype.

I had a sleepover for my daughter's 9th birthday a few weeks ago. Not going to lie, I almost dreaded the idea because from prior experience there was a lot of feelings involved, whining, tattling and just silliness that I couldn't handle without instinctively my rolling my eyes and I'm not very sympathetic towards. So, right off the bat I was stereotyping my daughter's friends. Shame on me. As they started showing up they were all excited about what our night was going to be like and to my surprise with each girl that got there the excitement was contagious. Surprisingly, I had a house full of 9 year old girls and not a single issue. I began to think about this more and more and wondered why other than it seems inevitable when you put a group of kids together that there will be some sort of problem but especially GIRLS!  What I heard that night instead was "Sing it, GUUURRRRL!" as they squealed in the karaoke machine. I heard "I'm so happy you are here" and "I love your pajamas" and "I don't want this day to end". My daughter told me it had been one of the best days of her life. SCORE! As she grows up I hope she will make quality friends over a quantity of friends.

In talking to some of my own friends over the past several months when my tribe has been my sanity I've come to some conclusions about the type of women I want in my life, the ones that will influence not only me but my kids too. Here's what I came up with...

1. Don't be an itchy friend. Here's what I mean in the nicest way possible. Remember when you were a kid and sometimes there was a tag in your pants sort of itched your rear end? You'd go home and have your mom cut the tag but there were the edges that still poked and itched your back. That tag owns you. You are a prisoner to the tag because when you walk it's there, when you sit it's there. Well, being a friend that is an itchy tag isn't cool. Let people be who they are without being itchy. You can make your presence known without being an itch. Be a laid back screen printed tag, not an itchy tag. ok?

2. We all get busy. Kids, work, school, sports, homework, housework, new episodes of This Is Us. These are all priorities. BUT in order to be a good mom, wife, employee, bad ass woman we have to make time for ourselves which also translates into spending time with our quality friends. It doesn't need to be a weekly thing although if you can do it, do it! Even if it's just monthly, a quick lunch, cup of coffee or whatever, make time! In the meantime, if you don't get a text from me for days or weeks, it's nothing personal, we'll catch up later!

3. This ties in a little with #2 but for real, don't wait for someone else to create the party and be invited! YOU create the event (as if there needs to be a reason to celebrate!) and invite your girls! And guess what, if nobody shows up at the Mexican Restaurant at the time you choose, that's ok!!! Life must have happened, someone had a sick kid or practice and you can sit there at the bar or booth of that Mexican Restaurant and eat every last chip and lick the queso bowl if you wish. You can even drink the entire Monster Margarita and Uber yourself a ride home. Sometimes, your own self the the best friend you have!

4. Greet your friends like my 9 year old and her friends did when it's party night! If you walk in the door like you're going to a funeral, pretty sure your energy is going to spread like a bad case of the Creepy Crawlies at the Lollipops nightclub by the main gate of the base. That's all I have to say about that.

5. Ask yourself if the people you are surrounding yourself with challenge you to be better. Do they encourage your dreams? Do you tell them your latest shenanigan and roll their eyes or do they laugh and encourage more shenanigans?  Can you even talk about your dreams and mischief with them without feeling like you're talking to Judgey McJudgey Pants? When you get a little too far in your questionable decisions do they set you straight and love you through it?  These are the people I want in my life. These are the people I have in my life. Ahhh, grateful doesn't describe it.

Quality over quantity. Acceptance over judgment. Love over disagreements.